Carbon Dioxide: Breathe This
Without sin, without feeling;
without pain, without hope.
So, you are not hopeless
for we can only hope;
it is only because of hope that you can know your despair.
You are not without God!:
because you have pain,
because you have hope
and for this creation groans.
So here we are. Not hopeless, but faithless.
faithless that things will change.
how can things change?
Effortlessly.
wind is wind.
ice is ice.
sun is sun.
winter is winter.
summer is summer.
Not effortlessly.
Tree is blown.
Tree is barren.
Tree is grown.
Persevere.
Persevere.
Persevere.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
if my mind and heart could vomit every thought infecting it, it would look something like this. clean up on asile 2. bring the sawdust.
What can it mean to be Christian and not to be part of the world? How do you be Christian in the world? What came first the world or Christianity, is one defined as the absence of the other?
Christians often turn to asceticism to separate themselves from the world, but the way I see things, it seems like in America everyone has a bit of asceticism in the name of individuality. Many people religiously deny themselves things in the name of worshiping their identities. People refuse to eat certain food, wear certain clothes, buy certain products, and what not. It's not like these denials are always particularly superficial at all. In fact many come out of the very core of ourselves. My conscience tells me I cannot behave in particular ways and support certain ideas. To thine own self be true right?
I guess that's where my question comes from. The part of the world that I live in tells me that truth can be found anywhere, but the truths are validated by soul, my conscience, my intuition. I have no peace if I don't feel at peace. But what if something untruth gives us peace. Can I be trusted to recognize truth? Or maybe its not really me, maybe it's the holy spirit. Is my gut feeling the holy spirit? How do I know the difference.
In Eden there was not this dualism of world vs church or of sacred vs profane. People were created naked in all their hairy, awkward glory (well actually God's). Things just were; there was no need for jugdemental adjectives. Though for us, Jesus's death on the cross reveals that we are able to become something new from what we were before, we are not really becoming something new as much as we are becoming what we were; what we were intended to be. To find out what holiness and wholeness looks like perhaps we do not need to look forward as much as we need to look back. And looking back brings us back to the time where we did not need to frame things in order to make them Christianly acceptable. When people spoke of love, they mean love that came from God, when they spoke of sex they meant that it was God ordained, an act of obedience, when they spoke of truth it was something really, deeply, inescapably true.
I guess I struggle with wanting these words and behaviors like love, truth, sex, happiness, wholeness to be organic; to be as pure as taking about the creations of mountains and sunsets. But they aren't. Sin is here and it's deceptive and it draws lines between holy and unholy, pure and impure. This is not just a language issue but a need to validate the desire of the heart.
Am I pure? And if not now when? And if I'm not then how can I descern what is true, holy, or good. And if I can't discern sin using my intuition, how can I descern peace?
Christians often turn to asceticism to separate themselves from the world, but the way I see things, it seems like in America everyone has a bit of asceticism in the name of individuality. Many people religiously deny themselves things in the name of worshiping their identities. People refuse to eat certain food, wear certain clothes, buy certain products, and what not. It's not like these denials are always particularly superficial at all. In fact many come out of the very core of ourselves. My conscience tells me I cannot behave in particular ways and support certain ideas. To thine own self be true right?
I guess that's where my question comes from. The part of the world that I live in tells me that truth can be found anywhere, but the truths are validated by soul, my conscience, my intuition. I have no peace if I don't feel at peace. But what if something untruth gives us peace. Can I be trusted to recognize truth? Or maybe its not really me, maybe it's the holy spirit. Is my gut feeling the holy spirit? How do I know the difference.
In Eden there was not this dualism of world vs church or of sacred vs profane. People were created naked in all their hairy, awkward glory (well actually God's). Things just were; there was no need for jugdemental adjectives. Though for us, Jesus's death on the cross reveals that we are able to become something new from what we were before, we are not really becoming something new as much as we are becoming what we were; what we were intended to be. To find out what holiness and wholeness looks like perhaps we do not need to look forward as much as we need to look back. And looking back brings us back to the time where we did not need to frame things in order to make them Christianly acceptable. When people spoke of love, they mean love that came from God, when they spoke of sex they meant that it was God ordained, an act of obedience, when they spoke of truth it was something really, deeply, inescapably true.
I guess I struggle with wanting these words and behaviors like love, truth, sex, happiness, wholeness to be organic; to be as pure as taking about the creations of mountains and sunsets. But they aren't. Sin is here and it's deceptive and it draws lines between holy and unholy, pure and impure. This is not just a language issue but a need to validate the desire of the heart.
Am I pure? And if not now when? And if I'm not then how can I descern what is true, holy, or good. And if I can't discern sin using my intuition, how can I descern peace?
Friday, October 10, 2008
Hope is the origin of faith
Today our class lecture was about pediatric hematology and oncology. We ended with this documentary about a family who was dealing with their son's losing battle to cancer. Following the son's death there was an interview with the father about his spiritual life. I didn't get the vibe that the father was particularly devout to any certain doctrine through he did say he prayed a lot more. One thing he did say that made me stop and think was, "I really, really hope that there's a better place."
Faith is being sure of what we hope for...
That's what Hebrews 11 says, that faith is the assurance of things hoped for. We are faithless, but never without hope. Faith is something we have to be taught, it's something we have to have modeled as seen through God faithfulness to Israel and through the life and death of Christ. But hope does not need to be taught. Hope is all we know how to do. Even when we say things are hopeless, what we mean that there is no realistic way of ever getting what we really hope for. Hope, hope: our desires, dreams, wishes, yearnings. My hopes have done terrible things to me.
But it's these hopes that lead people to cry out. Like some sort of grassroots prayer, it's people crying out through tears and sighs and frustration saying "this is not what I hope for; this is so far from what I hope for."
Faith is being sure of what we hope for
So faith is taking these hopes and being sure about them. When hopes stop being wished for and start being waited for there is faith. So we take these hopes we have and we look at God and the things God seems to be faithfully working toward and we decide which hopes seem to be worthy of our faith.
I really, really hope that there is a better place.
Faith is being sure of what we hope for...
That's what Hebrews 11 says, that faith is the assurance of things hoped for. We are faithless, but never without hope. Faith is something we have to be taught, it's something we have to have modeled as seen through God faithfulness to Israel and through the life and death of Christ. But hope does not need to be taught. Hope is all we know how to do. Even when we say things are hopeless, what we mean that there is no realistic way of ever getting what we really hope for. Hope, hope: our desires, dreams, wishes, yearnings. My hopes have done terrible things to me.
But it's these hopes that lead people to cry out. Like some sort of grassroots prayer, it's people crying out through tears and sighs and frustration saying "this is not what I hope for; this is so far from what I hope for."
Faith is being sure of what we hope for
So faith is taking these hopes and being sure about them. When hopes stop being wished for and start being waited for there is faith. So we take these hopes we have and we look at God and the things God seems to be faithfully working toward and we decide which hopes seem to be worthy of our faith.
I really, really hope that there is a better place.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Nursing a Thought
Another thing that I've been learning from Mother Teresa's story is a little more of what it means to be devoted to Jesus. Though her heart was for the poor, to whom she was called, her devotion was to Jesus; it was her dedication to his will that brought her to the poor. I think sometimes in ministry we have to hide the name of Jesus, the "share the gospel always, and when necessary use words" sort of idea. And I buy that, I know the kingdom isn't words, but a place where things happen, where real life happens. If we don't do works our faith is incomplete. The problem though is when we don't speak the name of Jesus in our motivations and prayers and hopes for those we minister to. We forget what we are doing this for.
See for a while I saw me studying nursing almost equal to me being a Christian. So last year when things started going downhill, I felt like my poor grades was just like me being disobedient to God. Like because I wasn't being successful, I was letting God down and falling short of myself. But now I'm beginning to see that my call, my first call is to love and to care about others. So before I'm a nurse, I am a Christian. Nursing is a way for me to care for people, but if for some reason nursing doesn't work out I'll still be able to love and I'll still have hope and I can still be obedient. And I can justify spending time doing other ministry, because ultimately my goal is not to be a nurse, but to minister. It's kind of a 1 Corinthians 13 sort of deal "If I have the gift of nursing and can heal everyone and administer all treatments but have not love, I'm nothing but a doctor's bitch."
Now, I do want to be a good nurse because nursing is a good thing. I once read that the first nurses were those in the early church, and I love that. Actually I kind of have a dream to one day to start a Christian nursing school where we care for those homeless and the people who come over from TJ or something like that. The school would revolve around a hospital and it would be our life. At chapel we'd pray for the sick and meet their families. We'd learn to love, to heal, and to minister. I don't know I'm working on the idea, we'll see what comes of it.
See for a while I saw me studying nursing almost equal to me being a Christian. So last year when things started going downhill, I felt like my poor grades was just like me being disobedient to God. Like because I wasn't being successful, I was letting God down and falling short of myself. But now I'm beginning to see that my call, my first call is to love and to care about others. So before I'm a nurse, I am a Christian. Nursing is a way for me to care for people, but if for some reason nursing doesn't work out I'll still be able to love and I'll still have hope and I can still be obedient. And I can justify spending time doing other ministry, because ultimately my goal is not to be a nurse, but to minister. It's kind of a 1 Corinthians 13 sort of deal "If I have the gift of nursing and can heal everyone and administer all treatments but have not love, I'm nothing but a doctor's bitch."
Now, I do want to be a good nurse because nursing is a good thing. I once read that the first nurses were those in the early church, and I love that. Actually I kind of have a dream to one day to start a Christian nursing school where we care for those homeless and the people who come over from TJ or something like that. The school would revolve around a hospital and it would be our life. At chapel we'd pray for the sick and meet their families. We'd learn to love, to heal, and to minister. I don't know I'm working on the idea, we'll see what comes of it.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Momma T you're more than a flute to me.
I haven't written in a while because I haven't really had anything worth writing about (since all my blogs are usually super inspiring, right...) Whatever, anyway today I have something to say, hopefully it's at least a little satisfactory.
So I'm reading this book by Mother Teresa called, "Come be my Light" about her life and struggle to please God within the hierarchies of the church and the darkness she often felt in ministry. As one would suspect, it's inspiring.
I was talking to Heidi Snow about it the other day in class and for some reason, I mentioned that I was reading a section about talking about how Mother Teresa was "nothing but an instrument." When I first read that I thought, man that's humble and it reminded me Jimmy Eat World's "Goodbye Sky Harbor" but I really didn't analyze it too much. And when I mentioned it to Heidi she said something like, "Well that doesn't sound very uplifting, just to only be an instrument and nothing more." And I thought something like well Heidi, that's cause you care too much about other people's feelings.
Today though I spent some time in prayer and I was thinking about what it meant to be humble. Are we really just instruments? And I realized that, no, there's no way I'm only an instrument. I've made too many mistakes, had too many times of hurt, and have too much of a soul to be nothing but an instrument. And I know it was even more true for Mother Teresa. God did not create me as an instrument, God made me a person, or for the sake of the metaphor God made us musicians. We are called to play songs of compassion, giving honor God and bringing notice to Love and Beauty. We don't downplay our role or sit quietly in the back, we play our parts as best we can and we try to keep in rhythm with the Music. Our humility comes not in making ourselves objects, but in realizing our being, and playing in a way that compliments the Orchestra, honors the Song, and doesn't upstage our brothers and sisters.
So I'm reading this book by Mother Teresa called, "Come be my Light" about her life and struggle to please God within the hierarchies of the church and the darkness she often felt in ministry. As one would suspect, it's inspiring.
I was talking to Heidi Snow about it the other day in class and for some reason, I mentioned that I was reading a section about talking about how Mother Teresa was "nothing but an instrument." When I first read that I thought, man that's humble and it reminded me Jimmy Eat World's "Goodbye Sky Harbor" but I really didn't analyze it too much. And when I mentioned it to Heidi she said something like, "Well that doesn't sound very uplifting, just to only be an instrument and nothing more." And I thought something like well Heidi, that's cause you care too much about other people's feelings.
Today though I spent some time in prayer and I was thinking about what it meant to be humble. Are we really just instruments? And I realized that, no, there's no way I'm only an instrument. I've made too many mistakes, had too many times of hurt, and have too much of a soul to be nothing but an instrument. And I know it was even more true for Mother Teresa. God did not create me as an instrument, God made me a person, or for the sake of the metaphor God made us musicians. We are called to play songs of compassion, giving honor God and bringing notice to Love and Beauty. We don't downplay our role or sit quietly in the back, we play our parts as best we can and we try to keep in rhythm with the Music. Our humility comes not in making ourselves objects, but in realizing our being, and playing in a way that compliments the Orchestra, honors the Song, and doesn't upstage our brothers and sisters.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
I love, love, love this poem by Kathleen Norris.
Bean Song
A bean does not know much,
but it remembers the winter.
It sweats in secret, its skin grow tough
and smooth as it pushes up against the darkness,
against the weight of the universe.
Somehow it displaces just a little earth,
and everything shifts to one side.
The bean flower stands up
to see if it's in the middle of a field,
or in someone's pot;
it is beautiful and bitter,
and dies after a while,
but the bean keeps singing to itself
and song about the stars,
and the cities, and the people
who live in sunlight.
No one hears it singing,
only a few ever hear its song.
At night, when I sleep alone,
I sing it for you.
Bean Song
A bean does not know much,
but it remembers the winter.
It sweats in secret, its skin grow tough
and smooth as it pushes up against the darkness,
against the weight of the universe.
Somehow it displaces just a little earth,
and everything shifts to one side.
The bean flower stands up
to see if it's in the middle of a field,
or in someone's pot;
it is beautiful and bitter,
and dies after a while,
but the bean keeps singing to itself
and song about the stars,
and the cities, and the people
who live in sunlight.
No one hears it singing,
only a few ever hear its song.
At night, when I sleep alone,
I sing it for you.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Poem a day project: day 2
So I'm going through the book "The Poet's Companion" by Kim Addonizio and Dorianne Laux. In the introduction they say good poems the writer writes about what they know and asks a question. Here's a funny excerpt from a poem by Ellery Akers that illustrates writing about the mundane:
"I cook, I shell peas, breaking open the pods at the veins with a snap: I take vitamins--all the hard, football-shaped pills--sometimes they get stuck in my gullet and I panic and think what a modern way to die, they'll come and find my dead, perfectly healthy body."
Ok so here's my second attempt at a poem. Its a little rough in some parts but c'est la vie. I have no rhythm or structure. I don't know how. In all honesty I really don't know what I'm doing. So I just write sentences of sorts.
My Chore
All I can do is wait
to rake the fallen leaves come autumn.
And all the other fallen things.
Springs best efforts retire as memories
and become a chore.
With all the fallen leaves
I remember
fallen plans
fallen short of the intent
the times I’ve fallen from grace
and blaming the fall of man
the heart fallen to pieces
after having fallen in love.
And all the other times I fall for no reason it seems.
With the fallen leaves I leave those dreams.
My hopes now lie in worm excrement.
My hope is reduced to dirt.
Perhaps my dirt may flower,
and blossom into something beautiful
or become something sweet
and nourishing.
No doubt though some will produce
next season’s fallen leaves.
"I cook, I shell peas, breaking open the pods at the veins with a snap: I take vitamins--all the hard, football-shaped pills--sometimes they get stuck in my gullet and I panic and think what a modern way to die, they'll come and find my dead, perfectly healthy body."
Ok so here's my second attempt at a poem. Its a little rough in some parts but c'est la vie. I have no rhythm or structure. I don't know how. In all honesty I really don't know what I'm doing. So I just write sentences of sorts.
My Chore
All I can do is wait
to rake the fallen leaves come autumn.
And all the other fallen things.
Springs best efforts retire as memories
and become a chore.
With all the fallen leaves
I remember
fallen plans
fallen short of the intent
the times I’ve fallen from grace
and blaming the fall of man
the heart fallen to pieces
after having fallen in love.
And all the other times I fall for no reason it seems.
With the fallen leaves I leave those dreams.
My hopes now lie in worm excrement.
My hope is reduced to dirt.
Perhaps my dirt may flower,
and blossom into something beautiful
or become something sweet
and nourishing.
No doubt though some will produce
next season’s fallen leaves.
Poem a day project: day one.
This is my first poem for my poem a day project. It's about redwood trees and the Church of the Nazarene. It's pretty obvious, but give me a break, its my first one.
Fairy Ring
First Church of the Nazarene is not what it used to be,
I hear
A fire broke out in the woods,
And burnt the redwood,
But the lightening underestimated the tree
Not knowing of its goodness,
Its willingness to share,
And the strength of its family.
The church has grown and spread elsewhere.
The tree remembered its substance,
The letters of its genome
And spread the stuff in a fairy ring
Around the broken tree.
The tree, the church is resilient.
Fairy Ring
First Church of the Nazarene is not what it used to be,
I hear
A fire broke out in the woods,
And burnt the redwood,
But the lightening underestimated the tree
Not knowing of its goodness,
Its willingness to share,
And the strength of its family.
The church has grown and spread elsewhere.
The tree remembered its substance,
The letters of its genome
And spread the stuff in a fairy ring
Around the broken tree.
The tree, the church is resilient.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
can I share a Rumi with you?
I've been trying to get into poetry lately. I think its a very brilliant thing, that poetry stuff. You take this profound truth a speak it in a creative way. It's kind of like finding buried treasure, digging it up then putting it back in the ground again and giving someone a general map of it's location. Maybe they find the treasure you buried or maybe they find their own, but either way they use your map to get there. Anyway, I don't really know anything about poetry save the little I remember from high school English and Shel Silverstein's, but I got a few books from the library and my aunt gave me some too. One was a collection of Rumi's poems which of course are timeless and fantastic and another was about how to write poetry. These are some of Rumi's:
*****
"Someone who goes with half a loaf of bread
to a small place that fits like a nest around him,
someone who wants no more, who's not himself
longed for by anyone else,
He is a letter to everyone. You open it.
It says, Live"
*****
My Worst Habit
"My worst habit is I get so tired of winter
I become a torture to those I'm with.
If you're not here, nothing grows.
I lack clarity. My words
tangle and knot up.
How to cure bad water? Send it back to the river.
How to cure bad habits? Send me back to you.
When water gets caught in the habitual whirlpools,
dig a way out through the bottom
to the ocean. There is a secret medicine
given only to those who hurt so hard
they can't hope.
The hopers would feel slighted if they knew.
Look as long as you can at the friend you love,
no matter whether that friend is moving away from you
or coming back to you."
*****
Enough Words?
"How does part of the world leave the world?
How can wetness leave water?
Don't try to put out a fire
by throwing on more fire!
Don't wash a wound with blood!
No matter how fast you run,
your shadow keeps up.
Sometimes it's in front!
Only full, overhead sun
diminishes your shadow.
But that shadow has been serving you!
What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
You boundaries are your quest.
I can explain this, but it would break
the glass cover on your heart,
and there's no fixing that.
You must have shadow and light source both.
Listen and lay your head under the tree of awe.
When from that tree, feathers and wings sprout
on you, be quieter than a dove.
Don't open your mouth for even a coooooooo.
When a frog slips into the water, the snake
cannot get it. The frog climbs back out
and croaks, and the snake moves toward him again.
Even if the frog learned to hiss, still the snake
would hear through the hiss the information
he needed, the frog voice underneath.
But if the frog could be completely silent,
the snake would go back to sleeping,
and the frog could reach the barley.
The soul lives there in silent breath.
And that grain of barley is such that,
when you put it in the ground,
it grows.
Are these enough words,
or shall I squeeze more juice from this?
Who am I, my friend?"
So good. So good. I'm going to try to write one poem a day. You should write one too, and leave it as a comment!! or, you know, don't.
*****
"Someone who goes with half a loaf of bread
to a small place that fits like a nest around him,
someone who wants no more, who's not himself
longed for by anyone else,
He is a letter to everyone. You open it.
It says, Live"
*****
My Worst Habit
"My worst habit is I get so tired of winter
I become a torture to those I'm with.
If you're not here, nothing grows.
I lack clarity. My words
tangle and knot up.
How to cure bad water? Send it back to the river.
How to cure bad habits? Send me back to you.
When water gets caught in the habitual whirlpools,
dig a way out through the bottom
to the ocean. There is a secret medicine
given only to those who hurt so hard
they can't hope.
The hopers would feel slighted if they knew.
Look as long as you can at the friend you love,
no matter whether that friend is moving away from you
or coming back to you."
*****
Enough Words?
"How does part of the world leave the world?
How can wetness leave water?
Don't try to put out a fire
by throwing on more fire!
Don't wash a wound with blood!
No matter how fast you run,
your shadow keeps up.
Sometimes it's in front!
Only full, overhead sun
diminishes your shadow.
But that shadow has been serving you!
What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
You boundaries are your quest.
I can explain this, but it would break
the glass cover on your heart,
and there's no fixing that.
You must have shadow and light source both.
Listen and lay your head under the tree of awe.
When from that tree, feathers and wings sprout
on you, be quieter than a dove.
Don't open your mouth for even a coooooooo.
When a frog slips into the water, the snake
cannot get it. The frog climbs back out
and croaks, and the snake moves toward him again.
Even if the frog learned to hiss, still the snake
would hear through the hiss the information
he needed, the frog voice underneath.
But if the frog could be completely silent,
the snake would go back to sleeping,
and the frog could reach the barley.
The soul lives there in silent breath.
And that grain of barley is such that,
when you put it in the ground,
it grows.
Are these enough words,
or shall I squeeze more juice from this?
Who am I, my friend?"
So good. So good. I'm going to try to write one poem a day. You should write one too, and leave it as a comment!! or, you know, don't.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Little House on the Prayer-ie
I remember my junior year of high school I had this crisis time with God. I remember sitting for an hour after youth group with Tim telling him why God was super confusing to me and why it all seemed like this trick. There's all these paradoxes like, we seek to know God but we can never fully know God, we pray to God but God does whatever anyway. I think it was because my junior year was super busy and I often got up at 4 in the morning to finish my math homework, it's really hard to believe in God at 4 in the morning, and I'm not just trying to be cute by saying that, I'm serious. Anyway, I say all that because I still struggle with prayer. And usually I just kind of deal with it by either praying through it or not praying at all, but I'm going to be hanging out with middle school and high school aged kids this month at camps and I want to be able to pray better just in case I have to pray with them. And actually I think prayer is important to being a disciple and if I'm trying to make them disciples, I should at least know how to pray.
My prayer time sometimes feels like 4am. I'll walk into my room or Prescott or wherever with a lot on my mind, ready for quiet, ready for peace. Then I go to what I like to call sixth-grader-in-a-closet mode because all the sudden I have all these "am I doing this right" questions, like a kid playing seven minuets in heaven. All my prayer insecurities take over and once I finally start praying I wonder if God's even there anymore. God's a busy man right? actually no, not at all.
So finally I start talking then I don't know what to say. I remember this counselor at Mt Hermon saying something like, "God wants nothing more than to hang out with you." As I get older I doubt that statement more and more, but honestly sometimes I need that to be true. Sometimes I need God to listen to me talk about all the crap on my mind that no one ever asks about. Sometimes I need God to be my best friend. Sometimes I need God to "dry my eyes and count my tears" as Jars of Clay says. But often after I'm done telling God why I'm such a shitty Christian and making lame explanations for it all I hear is, "get over yourself white girl" and I don't know if that's God.
But I don't want to just go on rambling to God about stuff. I would never just uncensoredly tell all that crap to a friend, so why would I want to put God through that? There must be a certain propriety we have about prayer right? Or maybe not, maybe prayer allows us to drop all our fancy coats and clear off our make-up.
"Help us to not be so self absorbed with our own problems, but let us be the brother or sister to someone else that we so desperately need ourselves."- Pastor Steve prays these words every Sunday, and I'm glad. I think my self absorbency comes out most profoundly in prayer which I'm sure is missing the point. Well maybe.
I've got a lot of questions about prayer. So I think I'll blog about it again, but maybe later.
My prayer time sometimes feels like 4am. I'll walk into my room or Prescott or wherever with a lot on my mind, ready for quiet, ready for peace. Then I go to what I like to call sixth-grader-in-a-closet mode because all the sudden I have all these "am I doing this right" questions, like a kid playing seven minuets in heaven. All my prayer insecurities take over and once I finally start praying I wonder if God's even there anymore. God's a busy man right? actually no, not at all.
So finally I start talking then I don't know what to say. I remember this counselor at Mt Hermon saying something like, "God wants nothing more than to hang out with you." As I get older I doubt that statement more and more, but honestly sometimes I need that to be true. Sometimes I need God to listen to me talk about all the crap on my mind that no one ever asks about. Sometimes I need God to be my best friend. Sometimes I need God to "dry my eyes and count my tears" as Jars of Clay says. But often after I'm done telling God why I'm such a shitty Christian and making lame explanations for it all I hear is, "get over yourself white girl" and I don't know if that's God.
But I don't want to just go on rambling to God about stuff. I would never just uncensoredly tell all that crap to a friend, so why would I want to put God through that? There must be a certain propriety we have about prayer right? Or maybe not, maybe prayer allows us to drop all our fancy coats and clear off our make-up.
"Help us to not be so self absorbed with our own problems, but let us be the brother or sister to someone else that we so desperately need ourselves."- Pastor Steve prays these words every Sunday, and I'm glad. I think my self absorbency comes out most profoundly in prayer which I'm sure is missing the point. Well maybe.
I've got a lot of questions about prayer. So I think I'll blog about it again, but maybe later.
Monday, June 30, 2008
traveling, debt, responsibility, obedience, trust, living the dream
Here's an issue I'm wrestling with right now and I'd appreciate any thoughts you guys have. I think its something relevant to a lot of college students:
Hey Pastor Steve,
I'm struggling a bit with a question. This year I have a lot of plans to take trips of varying length from smaller trips like senior high camp to larger ones like Israel. However, as I have these plans and ideas, I can't help but feel a sort of tension in my conscience. It is such a privilege to be able to travel; it's something that not everyone has the chance to do. At church today there were people praising that they had jobs, and here I am trying to get time off. I'm not even completely confident that I can afford all the traveling, but I'm sure if I just take out school loans and such I can make it work. Yet its not even the trips themselves that cost money, its also the fact that taking trips means I don't get to work and make money (this is especially true during the summer). Now, I know making money isn't everything, but I get the sense that working and making money is a responsible thing to do, if nothing else, making more money means that we can be more generous with it. My bottom-line question is how do I be obedient to God in making these traveling plans? Is it ok to "take advantage of the opportunities that I have" or is that just a worldly way of looking at things? I hope you get a sense of what I'm asking, even if its not completely clear. Thanks for your guidance.
Maddie
Hi Maddie,
Yeah, I understand your struggle. The short answer is, there's a season for everything. You have the rest of your life to "be responsible" and hold a job and make money and be generous, etc. Going to senior high camp and Israel aren't exactly every day opportunities that you can count on having the rest of your life. But I would say this. As you travel and as you don't work as much, be sure to learn to be generous with what income you do have, so that when you have more income the habit of generosity is already established. And as you travel, spend responsibly and be a gracious guest, so that when you're not traveling you are able to live responsibly and offer gracious hospitality. Avoid as much debt as possible. Never let yourself get so indebted that you feel like you can't afford to be generous. Ultimately we trust in God to provide for us, so while we calculate and take debt seriously, debt is not our Lord.
Finally, you have to live so surrendered to God that you're willing to not go, if you think God is checking you on it, and also so surrendered that you're willing to go, if you feel like God is leading you to go. Once you're that surrendered in both directions, often times things get a little clearer and peace comes with whichever decision you feel led to make.
There's a time to travel, and there's a time to grow roots. The Lord will help you to discern what time it is, And the Lord will give you peace.
Hope this helps, gray (or colorful) as it is.
Pastor Steve
Hey Pastor Steve,
I'm struggling a bit with a question. This year I have a lot of plans to take trips of varying length from smaller trips like senior high camp to larger ones like Israel. However, as I have these plans and ideas, I can't help but feel a sort of tension in my conscience. It is such a privilege to be able to travel; it's something that not everyone has the chance to do. At church today there were people praising that they had jobs, and here I am trying to get time off. I'm not even completely confident that I can afford all the traveling, but I'm sure if I just take out school loans and such I can make it work. Yet its not even the trips themselves that cost money, its also the fact that taking trips means I don't get to work and make money (this is especially true during the summer). Now, I know making money isn't everything, but I get the sense that working and making money is a responsible thing to do, if nothing else, making more money means that we can be more generous with it. My bottom-line question is how do I be obedient to God in making these traveling plans? Is it ok to "take advantage of the opportunities that I have" or is that just a worldly way of looking at things? I hope you get a sense of what I'm asking, even if its not completely clear. Thanks for your guidance.
Maddie
Hi Maddie,
Yeah, I understand your struggle. The short answer is, there's a season for everything. You have the rest of your life to "be responsible" and hold a job and make money and be generous, etc. Going to senior high camp and Israel aren't exactly every day opportunities that you can count on having the rest of your life. But I would say this. As you travel and as you don't work as much, be sure to learn to be generous with what income you do have, so that when you have more income the habit of generosity is already established. And as you travel, spend responsibly and be a gracious guest, so that when you're not traveling you are able to live responsibly and offer gracious hospitality. Avoid as much debt as possible. Never let yourself get so indebted that you feel like you can't afford to be generous. Ultimately we trust in God to provide for us, so while we calculate and take debt seriously, debt is not our Lord.
Finally, you have to live so surrendered to God that you're willing to not go, if you think God is checking you on it, and also so surrendered that you're willing to go, if you feel like God is leading you to go. Once you're that surrendered in both directions, often times things get a little clearer and peace comes with whichever decision you feel led to make.
There's a time to travel, and there's a time to grow roots. The Lord will help you to discern what time it is, And the Lord will give you peace.
Hope this helps, gray (or colorful) as it is.
Pastor Steve
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
choosing a church
In different times of my life I've regularly attended a Catholic church, a non-denominational church, and a Nazarene church. In each I was faithful to the church in the best way I knew how whether that means going through sacraments like First Communion and First Reconciliation, being a member of the SALT team and going on mission trip, or helping out in ministry and being there for events. I haven't formally committed myself to any church through confirmation, membership, or whatever you do for non-denominational churches. I think one of the reasons for this is because I don't understand what it means to be apart of the church.
Some would say that doctrine is a good way to decide what church you should belong to. I don't give much faith to that idea. I have a few friends who are apart of churches in which they don't fully buy everything that the church says they believe in. Alec was telling me earlier that the Nazarene's especially are based on a movement and ideas that have become irrelevant if not obsolete nowadays. Yet the Nazarene church continues to exist because it is a network of believers who pursue community and do good works. I guess my belief is that doctrine is cheap and the real values of the church manifest themselves in the lives of the people. Besides if choosing a church was really a theological question, it seems like Jesus would have placed a greater emphasis on the importance of theology classes rather than minstry.
One of the reasons I left the Catholic Church in high school was because I didn't believe in the doctrine. Now that I am starting to question doctrine, and my ability to judge doctrine, I am starting to turn back to my catholic roots. If Alec continues to be Nazarene because he is Nazarene--socially not theologically--then maybe I should be Catholic. Or maybe I'm now a Nazarene. Hm, one reason I won't rely on Alec to tell me what I am, his reason doesn't work in my life. So where do I find myself? It is a social question more than anything. In the future where will I go? So far it seems that God has brought me to these churches and I've found myself there so I guess God will lead me where I should be.
As much as I can tell, the church acts justly, loves mercy, walks humbly, and says Christ is Lord. As I continue to move around in my life, I do not want the church to become a personality test in which I find the one that best fits me. Honestly I don't really want to choose a church; I want the church to choose me.
Some would say that doctrine is a good way to decide what church you should belong to. I don't give much faith to that idea. I have a few friends who are apart of churches in which they don't fully buy everything that the church says they believe in. Alec was telling me earlier that the Nazarene's especially are based on a movement and ideas that have become irrelevant if not obsolete nowadays. Yet the Nazarene church continues to exist because it is a network of believers who pursue community and do good works. I guess my belief is that doctrine is cheap and the real values of the church manifest themselves in the lives of the people. Besides if choosing a church was really a theological question, it seems like Jesus would have placed a greater emphasis on the importance of theology classes rather than minstry.
One of the reasons I left the Catholic Church in high school was because I didn't believe in the doctrine. Now that I am starting to question doctrine, and my ability to judge doctrine, I am starting to turn back to my catholic roots. If Alec continues to be Nazarene because he is Nazarene--socially not theologically--then maybe I should be Catholic. Or maybe I'm now a Nazarene. Hm, one reason I won't rely on Alec to tell me what I am, his reason doesn't work in my life. So where do I find myself? It is a social question more than anything. In the future where will I go? So far it seems that God has brought me to these churches and I've found myself there so I guess God will lead me where I should be.
As much as I can tell, the church acts justly, loves mercy, walks humbly, and says Christ is Lord. As I continue to move around in my life, I do not want the church to become a personality test in which I find the one that best fits me. Honestly I don't really want to choose a church; I want the church to choose me.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Take this with a grain of salt or, better yet, a grain of sugar because maybe I'm just bitter.
When I think of being a "Woman of God" the role doesn't really appeal to me. Honestly I think I'd rather be a "Man of God".
I've seen a lot of both men and women in leadership positions at church and school. I think Point Loma in particular does a pretty good job of not discriminating against gender when it comes to leadership positions especially (I hate that it makes sense to qualify it like this) for a religious institution. Although power seems to be pretty well distributed and is increasingly improving, respect seems to still fall mainly to the male leaders and students. One of the ways this is best illustrated I think is in chapel. I've noticed a lot more background talking and disruption when females are speaking in chapels as opposed to males.
A lot of women who are respected, but they are respected in more subtle small ways than men. Women are important and so of course they are respected but that respect often comes from their roles in relationships, I think many women lack the large-scale respect that is more often given to males.
I think a lot of people don't mean to be sexist or discriminatory either, I hear a lot of things like:
"I think it'd be great to have a woman president, I just don't want it to be Hilary" or
"I don't mind female chapel speakers I just find it difficult to track with Mary Paul."
Why don't we take these people seriously? Why supposedly aren't these women right for their positions? What would it take for a woman to gain our respect? what would she have to be like? It seems like these people are too far from the male standard of leaders and too far from our standards of female roles.
I don't know the answers to these questions and I'm not completely sure these questions are the right ones to be asking.
Is it wrong for me to want to see that respect for me and my sisters and mothers? And I'm serious about that question. Maybe the small-scale respect is what is really important and maybe asking for respect is not the way to get it and maybe even trying to earn respect is not the way to get it. Maybe this blog entry does more harm than good.
Just don't ask me to become a "woman of God" because when I think of what that means I think of becoming a children's or women's minister, being an awesome mother, or a pastor's wife. And in all actuality, I wouldn't mind becoming those things. I don't really plan on living a life that radically pushes cultural gender roles especially just for the sake of pushing them. I hope to become a nurse someday, I wouldn't mind being a stay-at-home mom for a period of time, and I'll probably shave my legs fairly regularly. I just don't want to be only those things. I want my identity to be in Christ where there is no male and female. I don't want to be respected any differently than men, I just want to be a person of God. Challenge me to be that.
I've seen a lot of both men and women in leadership positions at church and school. I think Point Loma in particular does a pretty good job of not discriminating against gender when it comes to leadership positions especially (I hate that it makes sense to qualify it like this) for a religious institution. Although power seems to be pretty well distributed and is increasingly improving, respect seems to still fall mainly to the male leaders and students. One of the ways this is best illustrated I think is in chapel. I've noticed a lot more background talking and disruption when females are speaking in chapels as opposed to males.
A lot of women who are respected, but they are respected in more subtle small ways than men. Women are important and so of course they are respected but that respect often comes from their roles in relationships, I think many women lack the large-scale respect that is more often given to males.
I think a lot of people don't mean to be sexist or discriminatory either, I hear a lot of things like:
"I think it'd be great to have a woman president, I just don't want it to be Hilary" or
"I don't mind female chapel speakers I just find it difficult to track with Mary Paul."
Why don't we take these people seriously? Why supposedly aren't these women right for their positions? What would it take for a woman to gain our respect? what would she have to be like? It seems like these people are too far from the male standard of leaders and too far from our standards of female roles.
I don't know the answers to these questions and I'm not completely sure these questions are the right ones to be asking.
Is it wrong for me to want to see that respect for me and my sisters and mothers? And I'm serious about that question. Maybe the small-scale respect is what is really important and maybe asking for respect is not the way to get it and maybe even trying to earn respect is not the way to get it. Maybe this blog entry does more harm than good.
Just don't ask me to become a "woman of God" because when I think of what that means I think of becoming a children's or women's minister, being an awesome mother, or a pastor's wife. And in all actuality, I wouldn't mind becoming those things. I don't really plan on living a life that radically pushes cultural gender roles especially just for the sake of pushing them. I hope to become a nurse someday, I wouldn't mind being a stay-at-home mom for a period of time, and I'll probably shave my legs fairly regularly. I just don't want to be only those things. I want my identity to be in Christ where there is no male and female. I don't want to be respected any differently than men, I just want to be a person of God. Challenge me to be that.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Can I be honest?
I believe that God is faithful. I see it in my schoolwork. No matter how hopeless the situation looks, I manage to keep my grades where they need to be. And maybe that's because of my faithfulness to God that comes from my effort, but I know God has helped me first. I don't really want to talk about the theological implications of this right now. Trust me, God has been faithful to help me. And I don't know for what purpose specifically, but I am in God's hands.
God is faithful, but I am very often unfaithful. Despite God's provision, I feel lost and unsure. My questions, my anxieties, my insecurities, my reluctance, my shame--they overpower my faith. I don't know how God can minister through me. I don't know how I could possibly be doing any right. Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything.
Where is my freedom? Where is my soul? What does it mean to lose myself, can this be it? I look at myself and I think, "this can't be right. I've missed it, where did I miss it?"
"be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."- Deuteronomy 6:11
God is faithful, but I am very often unfaithful. Despite God's provision, I feel lost and unsure. My questions, my anxieties, my insecurities, my reluctance, my shame--they overpower my faith. I don't know how God can minister through me. I don't know how I could possibly be doing any right. Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything.
Where is my freedom? Where is my soul? What does it mean to lose myself, can this be it? I look at myself and I think, "this can't be right. I've missed it, where did I miss it?"
Sunday, May 18, 2008
God She's beautiful
So I was driving home today on the 205 and I was looking out at the rolling, golden hills thinking, "Man, that's so pretty. God created things so beautiful." Then I got a little annoyed with myself because it was a very cliche thing to think--and usually my thoughts are so original and inspiring, right? As if. Anyway, I thought about it a little more and maybe what's significant is not that God created things beautiful, but that God created beauty. Like God just created good things and they aren't really beautiful, they just are. What's cool is that we can appreciate beauty. And who knows really what beauty is or what makes things beautiful. (please don't try to explain it to me, because you can't- beauty's kinda like humor; it can't be logically explained and if it is its not funny/pretty anymore) What a gift though, huh? It seems like a pretty unnecessary thing though (according to Maslow), it doesn't really help us survive day to day. Yet it's beauty that reminds us of God's majesty so perhaps in that way it's very necessary. God reveals herself in Creation right? So we see in God's creation of beauty that God is not a God who perceives the world logically and advantageously. She is a God of beauty, reminding us that there is more to life than practicality and maybe there is no true life in strict practicality. God not only reigns, She reigns in glory. Alleluia.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I kissed dating Jesus good-bye
So I'm single. I figure it's a good time to "invest in my relationship with God"--as I might have said some time ago. What an opportunity right? It's a win-win, either I become a better candidate for marriage to a nice, Christian boy or I get closer to God (aka never feel empty again). Some would term it "dating Jesus," this idea that God/Jesus will fill up the emptiness and loneliness inside us and I suppose this lasts until you find a real life person to date. I dunno about that stuff anymore.
Here's the thing I've found about loving Jesus: not only is it hard to conceptualize, it's a pretty hard thing to do alone. We want it to be this romantic thing so we do silly things like go on dates with Jesus, ballroom dance with Jesus, read Song of Solomon with Jesus (ew). After all, like a rose trampled on the ground, he took the fall and thought of me above all, right? I forget the reference, but I think that's in the Bible somewhere.
John 15 says that love looks like obedience. Not exactly romantic. Sometimes in this obedience God seems silent and slow to respond to us. Obedience is what brought Jesus to the cross. Obedience is what eventually caused Jesus to ask God why God had forsaken him. Yet Jesus goes on to say in John 15 that he told us to be obedient and to love God so that his joy would be in us and made complete in us. There is joy in faithfulness somewhere. There is joy in laying down your life for your friends. There is joy in the freedom that can only come through faithfulness to the Father.
So, my relationship with God is not exclusive; I am not God's bride--the church is. My faithfulness shows my love for God just as God's faithfulness first showed God's love for me. My faithfulness and love to God is expressed in my ministry and devotion to the church and to those who might belong to the church. Jesus is not my rebound. Jesus is my way, truth, and life; the example of love and faithfulness to the Father.
Here's the thing I've found about loving Jesus: not only is it hard to conceptualize, it's a pretty hard thing to do alone. We want it to be this romantic thing so we do silly things like go on dates with Jesus, ballroom dance with Jesus, read Song of Solomon with Jesus (ew). After all, like a rose trampled on the ground, he took the fall and thought of me above all, right? I forget the reference, but I think that's in the Bible somewhere.
John 15 says that love looks like obedience. Not exactly romantic. Sometimes in this obedience God seems silent and slow to respond to us. Obedience is what brought Jesus to the cross. Obedience is what eventually caused Jesus to ask God why God had forsaken him. Yet Jesus goes on to say in John 15 that he told us to be obedient and to love God so that his joy would be in us and made complete in us. There is joy in faithfulness somewhere. There is joy in laying down your life for your friends. There is joy in the freedom that can only come through faithfulness to the Father.
So, my relationship with God is not exclusive; I am not God's bride--the church is. My faithfulness shows my love for God just as God's faithfulness first showed God's love for me. My faithfulness and love to God is expressed in my ministry and devotion to the church and to those who might belong to the church. Jesus is not my rebound. Jesus is my way, truth, and life; the example of love and faithfulness to the Father.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
If Jesus read my blog
Dear Jesus,
I'm writing to you on this blog to say somethings that I could just pray, but maybe if I write them on here people will read it. I guess I want them to read it so they can know the things I want to tell you and maybe I'll even talk about it with them.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about who I am a lot more than usual in the past month or so, and I realized there's a lot of stuff I don't like. It's not exactly "sin issues," as they say (whatever that means), that I'm referring to, its more like as I look at who I am I don't really like how I got here. Mainly I feel fake. Not false, not ingenuine or dishonest, but like a fake human, a cheap imitation of what it really means to live. It seems like a lot of who I am stems from conformity to others based on a fear of the responsibility that comes from being myself. Now I don't really buy the idea that "myself" is this unique thing, separate from the influence of others--I actually don't believe that at all. My problem is not that others influence me but how I go about letting them influence me.
Jesus, I think I want to find myself, or create myself or whatever it is you do to be fully alive. I've heard through various sources such as books, movies, country songs, and stories that this journey of the self often leads us very close to where we started. I'm ok with that. I still want the journey. Maybe its wiser to just learn from the conclusions of others, but my problem with that is my mind ends up getting way more further along than my heart. So I'm hoping that if I take this journey my heart and my mind can go together to figure things out; maybe they will even hold hands.
Jesus, maybe you know that this whole blog entry shows me to be a little more cheesy than I like to admit, and these next few lines aren't going to redeem me any further. If I do officially embark on this journey, I want to you be there and to keep me from making people objects in my life. I want people to be more than things that help to shape me, because I hope that as I find myself I find other selves too. I don't know if life is a journey. But I know that life isn't my journey. So Jesus, please help me to find truth and please stay with me through the mistakes I make to get there.
love,
maddie
I'm writing to you on this blog to say somethings that I could just pray, but maybe if I write them on here people will read it. I guess I want them to read it so they can know the things I want to tell you and maybe I'll even talk about it with them.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about who I am a lot more than usual in the past month or so, and I realized there's a lot of stuff I don't like. It's not exactly "sin issues," as they say (whatever that means), that I'm referring to, its more like as I look at who I am I don't really like how I got here. Mainly I feel fake. Not false, not ingenuine or dishonest, but like a fake human, a cheap imitation of what it really means to live. It seems like a lot of who I am stems from conformity to others based on a fear of the responsibility that comes from being myself. Now I don't really buy the idea that "myself" is this unique thing, separate from the influence of others--I actually don't believe that at all. My problem is not that others influence me but how I go about letting them influence me.
Jesus, I think I want to find myself, or create myself or whatever it is you do to be fully alive. I've heard through various sources such as books, movies, country songs, and stories that this journey of the self often leads us very close to where we started. I'm ok with that. I still want the journey. Maybe its wiser to just learn from the conclusions of others, but my problem with that is my mind ends up getting way more further along than my heart. So I'm hoping that if I take this journey my heart and my mind can go together to figure things out; maybe they will even hold hands.
Jesus, maybe you know that this whole blog entry shows me to be a little more cheesy than I like to admit, and these next few lines aren't going to redeem me any further. If I do officially embark on this journey, I want to you be there and to keep me from making people objects in my life. I want people to be more than things that help to shape me, because I hope that as I find myself I find other selves too. I don't know if life is a journey. But I know that life isn't my journey. So Jesus, please help me to find truth and please stay with me through the mistakes I make to get there.
love,
maddie
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sometimes I struggle with loving God. And its not for any noble reasons like the little kids who are dying of cancer or any of those devastating things. Its actually for very selfish reasons. Very human reasons. Which I figure makes some sense because it seems easier to really love someone you know and I'm never sure how much I really know about God and for that matter I don't know how much I can know.
I've never really followed celebrities. And I've never had a celebrity crush. I wonder if that's why I find it hard to love God. I think loving God can be a lot like having a celebrity crush. You have all these ideas about celebrities, and maybe through the music they've made or the characters they've played your soul has been touched and changed in a real way and so you associate all those emotions of adventure, thrill, romance, lust, passion, happiness with them. Deep down inside us somewhere we know that we don't really know these people, that we are not in fact in love with them, we are in love with the way they make us feel, but they are so far off that we can convince ourselves that we love them.
The funny thing is that celebrities love us too. They don't know us personally, but they know that they would be nothing without their fans. It's really quite sad how we objectify each other, but I guess its ok because its not like its real life, it's just buisness. I think its that objectification that's the reason I can't even be fun and pretend to have a celebrity crush; there's nothing real there, its all buisness.
If I'm honest, I tend to think of God's love like a celebrity's love. God loves the world, God loves creation, but what does that mean to me. I mean currently there's this many people living in the world. And if God's just loving everyone and everything God created, then how much does that love mean to me personally? You know what I mean? So does God only love me because I am God's creation? Does God look at me and say "Maddie, I love you" or does God say "creation, I love you." How can God love, I mean really love not just tolerate, not just love the idea of, everyone?
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
I've never really followed celebrities. And I've never had a celebrity crush. I wonder if that's why I find it hard to love God. I think loving God can be a lot like having a celebrity crush. You have all these ideas about celebrities, and maybe through the music they've made or the characters they've played your soul has been touched and changed in a real way and so you associate all those emotions of adventure, thrill, romance, lust, passion, happiness with them. Deep down inside us somewhere we know that we don't really know these people, that we are not in fact in love with them, we are in love with the way they make us feel, but they are so far off that we can convince ourselves that we love them.
The funny thing is that celebrities love us too. They don't know us personally, but they know that they would be nothing without their fans. It's really quite sad how we objectify each other, but I guess its ok because its not like its real life, it's just buisness. I think its that objectification that's the reason I can't even be fun and pretend to have a celebrity crush; there's nothing real there, its all buisness.
If I'm honest, I tend to think of God's love like a celebrity's love. God loves the world, God loves creation, but what does that mean to me. I mean currently there's this many people living in the world. And if God's just loving everyone and everything God created, then how much does that love mean to me personally? You know what I mean? So does God only love me because I am God's creation? Does God look at me and say "Maddie, I love you" or does God say "creation, I love you." How can God love, I mean really love not just tolerate, not just love the idea of, everyone?
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
give me Jesus
In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus
And when I am alone, give me Jesus
And when I am afraid, give me Jesus
You can have all this world, but give me Jesus
This is a really pretty song, here's a rendidtion of it sung by Fernando Ortega, and if you're anything like me you might want to minimize the page in order to avoid the sappy video.
I used to struggle with the lyrics to this song because I thought they were kind of a cop out. As if Jesus was an escape from lonliness, fear, and the world. As if Jesus didn't want things to be hard for us and so when life hits us and it hurts the correct response is to hide under our covers and wish that Jesus was here (as if Jesus was hidding under the covers too).
But I think I misunderstood the words to this song. Jesus isn't an escape from life, Jesus lived life and so do we. So when life is characterized by fear and lonliness we can ask for Jesus to be there in the midst of it. I've come to find Jesus in these cracks between hope and suffering, and I've never found him hidding under the covers.
"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." phil 3:10-11
And when I am alone, give me Jesus
And when I am afraid, give me Jesus
You can have all this world, but give me Jesus
This is a really pretty song, here's a rendidtion of it sung by Fernando Ortega, and if you're anything like me you might want to minimize the page in order to avoid the sappy video.
I used to struggle with the lyrics to this song because I thought they were kind of a cop out. As if Jesus was an escape from lonliness, fear, and the world. As if Jesus didn't want things to be hard for us and so when life hits us and it hurts the correct response is to hide under our covers and wish that Jesus was here (as if Jesus was hidding under the covers too).
But I think I misunderstood the words to this song. Jesus isn't an escape from life, Jesus lived life and so do we. So when life is characterized by fear and lonliness we can ask for Jesus to be there in the midst of it. I've come to find Jesus in these cracks between hope and suffering, and I've never found him hidding under the covers.
"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." phil 3:10-11
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
peace
Lately I've been wrestling with this idea of a call. How do we know when we are called to something? That question is rooted in the even deeper question, that I'm sure resonates within every Christian, well every person really: how do I know the voice of God? How does God communicate with me?
So here on earth we have the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the revelant God. It moves, it walks, it has a rhythm. As far as I can tell, the Father is in heaven and Jesus is seated at his right hand, but the Holy Spirit is in the hearts of the church. So I guess the more appropriate question is how do we "hear" the Holy Spirit? How do we keep in step?
I don't consider myself a person of great faith, but I am learning, and in the midst of that I've come to understand that the Holy Spirit communicates to us through peace. Well that's not completely true. Actually, I think the Holy Spirit talks to me through violence and chaos. Because its not really God that's speaking to me in the chaos. That's when its not God speaking. It's only when God is not speaking to me that I am aware that he is there (or not there). I seem to only notice when God and his Spirit are missing, not when God is there.Its when I'm in those places of distress and unrest that I know something needs to change.
But something always needs to change. The world is being restored, and it needs to be restored. So we're in these places of transition, a place of struggle and suffering, in the shadow of hope. Can we have peace in the midst of suffering, or is suffering lack of peace? If suffering is lack of peace, then the only peace we experience through suffering is by grace, by God. God uses suffering to fix suffering, because suffering isn't the end.(true or false)
I write all this to say that there is tension between us somethimes. There is lack of harmony and there is confusion and unrest and even suffering. It seems like things take time to heal, but although time is the answer to the distress, time is not always the answer to the hurt. A lot of times it sucks to wait. But can we have peace in the waiting? As we wait for time and God to restore our relationships with each other and with God, we need peace to get through. Because we can have peace, but still not be fully restored yet, right? But if peace is not resotration, what is restoration? If suffering is not the end and peace is not the end, what is?
(this draft is more me thinking and searching for truth than me proclaiming truth so please share any insights)
So here on earth we have the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the revelant God. It moves, it walks, it has a rhythm. As far as I can tell, the Father is in heaven and Jesus is seated at his right hand, but the Holy Spirit is in the hearts of the church. So I guess the more appropriate question is how do we "hear" the Holy Spirit? How do we keep in step?
I don't consider myself a person of great faith, but I am learning, and in the midst of that I've come to understand that the Holy Spirit communicates to us through peace. Well that's not completely true. Actually, I think the Holy Spirit talks to me through violence and chaos. Because its not really God that's speaking to me in the chaos. That's when its not God speaking. It's only when God is not speaking to me that I am aware that he is there (or not there). I seem to only notice when God and his Spirit are missing, not when God is there.Its when I'm in those places of distress and unrest that I know something needs to change.
But something always needs to change. The world is being restored, and it needs to be restored. So we're in these places of transition, a place of struggle and suffering, in the shadow of hope. Can we have peace in the midst of suffering, or is suffering lack of peace? If suffering is lack of peace, then the only peace we experience through suffering is by grace, by God. God uses suffering to fix suffering, because suffering isn't the end.(true or false)
I write all this to say that there is tension between us somethimes. There is lack of harmony and there is confusion and unrest and even suffering. It seems like things take time to heal, but although time is the answer to the distress, time is not always the answer to the hurt. A lot of times it sucks to wait. But can we have peace in the waiting? As we wait for time and God to restore our relationships with each other and with God, we need peace to get through. Because we can have peace, but still not be fully restored yet, right? But if peace is not resotration, what is restoration? If suffering is not the end and peace is not the end, what is?
(this draft is more me thinking and searching for truth than me proclaiming truth so please share any insights)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
"hey come to my church"
I remember Brad Lide wearing homemade shirts like that in high school. That's what we were encouraged to do; invite people to youth group. At youth group there were cool college-aged kids who play guitar (/guys who could grow facial hair--they shone like stars against the petty high school boys), fun people to hang out with who didn't drink, music, games, trips, and other fun events to keep you entertained, what high schooler wouldn't want to be a part of that community? It wasn't like we hid the message of the gospel though. I remember we used to say our mission statement every week during announcements it went something like, "At Valley Bible we like to have a lot of fun and laughs, but our central purpose for being here is to spread the gospel of Christ with those in the valley and beyond." Even though the gospel was preached every time we met; there was something missing. I kinda felt like there was a pressure to make this church thing so cool that my non-saved friends would forget that they were at church (I wasn't very successful). It wasn't so much that I was ashamed of the gospel or of Jesus; in some ways I was ashamed of the church.
Southeast has turned my view of church on its face. It's a raw, honest parable of the gospel. It's not a very cool church, but it's good. Instead of being mentored primarily by attractive twenty-somethings, its the crazy lady with the walker, the old guy who's always getting on your case, and the energetic woman who loves to lead the chidren in songs containing theologically sound lyrical expressions like "God's not dead" and "Heaven, I want to there uh-huh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah" who teach me what it means to be the church and what it means to be faithful. Now my favorite songs are not accompanied by a shredding guitar part or a catchy baseline, they're found in the middle of Sunday morning prayer. These days, I love to invite my friends to church. I'm so honored to be a part of Southeast. I feel like as I am accepted there, I'm fitting a camel through the eye of a needle; I am accepted into the kingdom. I like that at Southeast we don't need to present a mission statement every time we get together for an event because the gospel of Christ is there, its happening, and its powerful. So if you haven't been before, come check out my church.
Southeast has turned my view of church on its face. It's a raw, honest parable of the gospel. It's not a very cool church, but it's good. Instead of being mentored primarily by attractive twenty-somethings, its the crazy lady with the walker, the old guy who's always getting on your case, and the energetic woman who loves to lead the chidren in songs containing theologically sound lyrical expressions like "God's not dead" and "Heaven, I want to there uh-huh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah" who teach me what it means to be the church and what it means to be faithful. Now my favorite songs are not accompanied by a shredding guitar part or a catchy baseline, they're found in the middle of Sunday morning prayer. These days, I love to invite my friends to church. I'm so honored to be a part of Southeast. I feel like as I am accepted there, I'm fitting a camel through the eye of a needle; I am accepted into the kingdom. I like that at Southeast we don't need to present a mission statement every time we get together for an event because the gospel of Christ is there, its happening, and its powerful. So if you haven't been before, come check out my church.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
watch your step, this is holy ground fool.
This is a weekly journal entry that I wrote for clinical last week. It was a gift so I thought I'd share it:
"Today’s clinical experience was sacred. My patient was a 21 year old male with leukemia. For his particular type of leukemia, the 5 year survival rate is 80% in children and 40% in adults. I’m not educated enough on the disease process to know which percentage is closer to his age group, but I don’t really think it matters. Today I got to speak to the client’s mother about her struggle with her son’s diagnosis. The furthest thing from my lips were statistics about mortality rate. After all the 20 and 60% of people who do not make it past five years probably have mothers just like her.
It is always an honor to serve and minister to people. One who finds themselves in a place where they can give to others should walk through service with humility and respect, knowing that it is by grace that she is able to give and that she is just as reliant on God and others for her needs. There have been a few acts of service that have truly blessed me so much so that I felt like I was in a sacred moment. Hearing the mother’s enthusiastic acceptance when I asked her if I could pray for her son, seeing the tears in her eyes and feeling the strength of her hands as we prayed for healing and comfort made me want to remove my shoes, because I was on holy ground (of course that’s not exactly following universal precautions so I refrained).
I pray that I will be able to experience more of these moments. I’m grateful to God that I can be there with people in these times of their lives that are so full of fear and desperation. So often clinical is all about the day, the 8 or so hours that we are in the hospital, but these are people’s lives. There's so much of something powerful in the hospital, but its so easy to ignore especially as an overwhelmed nursing student."
Recently I've been sensing the notion that I'm not reverent enough in ministry. In the same way I fear God, I feel like there is a need to fear the people I minister to (just as there is a need to love others like God). Maybe its not so much the people I should fear, but the work of ministry. People deserve respect for sure, but people are relatable in a way that God is not, and I think that separation is part of what makes God worth fearing. But ministry is a gift. God by grace invites us to love people like God does does. What greater honor is there? So I guess my point is that we should be careful in ministry. We should aknowledge it as a gift and respect the work that is done in ministry as holy and sacred. It's not a means to self-fulfillment, or a time we graciously give to God (as if). It is a noble duty of a humble servant; a gift for God's children.
"Today’s clinical experience was sacred. My patient was a 21 year old male with leukemia. For his particular type of leukemia, the 5 year survival rate is 80% in children and 40% in adults. I’m not educated enough on the disease process to know which percentage is closer to his age group, but I don’t really think it matters. Today I got to speak to the client’s mother about her struggle with her son’s diagnosis. The furthest thing from my lips were statistics about mortality rate. After all the 20 and 60% of people who do not make it past five years probably have mothers just like her.
It is always an honor to serve and minister to people. One who finds themselves in a place where they can give to others should walk through service with humility and respect, knowing that it is by grace that she is able to give and that she is just as reliant on God and others for her needs. There have been a few acts of service that have truly blessed me so much so that I felt like I was in a sacred moment. Hearing the mother’s enthusiastic acceptance when I asked her if I could pray for her son, seeing the tears in her eyes and feeling the strength of her hands as we prayed for healing and comfort made me want to remove my shoes, because I was on holy ground (of course that’s not exactly following universal precautions so I refrained).
I pray that I will be able to experience more of these moments. I’m grateful to God that I can be there with people in these times of their lives that are so full of fear and desperation. So often clinical is all about the day, the 8 or so hours that we are in the hospital, but these are people’s lives. There's so much of something powerful in the hospital, but its so easy to ignore especially as an overwhelmed nursing student."
Recently I've been sensing the notion that I'm not reverent enough in ministry. In the same way I fear God, I feel like there is a need to fear the people I minister to (just as there is a need to love others like God). Maybe its not so much the people I should fear, but the work of ministry. People deserve respect for sure, but people are relatable in a way that God is not, and I think that separation is part of what makes God worth fearing. But ministry is a gift. God by grace invites us to love people like God does does. What greater honor is there? So I guess my point is that we should be careful in ministry. We should aknowledge it as a gift and respect the work that is done in ministry as holy and sacred. It's not a means to self-fulfillment, or a time we graciously give to God (as if). It is a noble duty of a humble servant; a gift for God's children.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
the ocsars of life: why i hate psych 101
If life is a journey, if life is my personal journey, if life is my story then its about me. I can't seem to reconcile this "personal journey" talk with a the life of a Christian. See, if life is a journey then all that matters is that everywhere I go, there I am; no matter what happens I am the common denominator in everything I know. I might want to be independent and separate enough to reflect on my journey if I thought that sort of distance would bring fulfillment because it would lead me to truth. However, I feel this tension that the more I pursue things that bring me satisfaction, the more I see myself as the main character of my story and the less I see others as having any higher role than supporting actors. But really, people are more than supporting actors, and I am less than a star.
I don't think I can see myself as the hero and do Christianity. It seems to me that living as a holy person means viewing others as the heros and the main characters and taking the supporting role. In that case there is no use for self reflection beyond the purpose of better supporting others and God. Anything else is indulgent and self-glorifying; upstaging. I imagine it takes very different characteristics to win an oscar for best supporting actress than it does for best actress.
Maybe though, the characters aren't made to illustrate other characters, but rather to tell a greater story. So what is the story? Is it character development? is it redemption? is it grace?
Well I don't know what the story is, but its enough for me to know that its not my story.
I don't think I can see myself as the hero and do Christianity. It seems to me that living as a holy person means viewing others as the heros and the main characters and taking the supporting role. In that case there is no use for self reflection beyond the purpose of better supporting others and God. Anything else is indulgent and self-glorifying; upstaging. I imagine it takes very different characteristics to win an oscar for best supporting actress than it does for best actress.
Maybe though, the characters aren't made to illustrate other characters, but rather to tell a greater story. So what is the story? Is it character development? is it redemption? is it grace?
Well I don't know what the story is, but its enough for me to know that its not my story.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
one more thought- when we love people we love God
Are people worth loving in and of themselves? Can we love others before we love God?
Yes! People- because they are created by God, because they are made in the image of God- can be loved intuitavely. Of course! Even heathens love. Christians do not need to fear loving people more than God as long as they remember God the Creator and Definer of love. Glory to God who is at the bottom of every true love!
Yes! People- because they are created by God, because they are made in the image of God- can be loved intuitavely. Of course! Even heathens love. Christians do not need to fear loving people more than God as long as they remember God the Creator and Definer of love. Glory to God who is at the bottom of every true love!
just thoughts
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
Not that our acts of love cancel out our sin. Not that our acts of love by themselves make us right with God. The only act of love that truly, intuitively made us right before God is God's own act of love in sending his Son to earth to be emptied and die on a cross. This is God's kindness that leads us to repentance.
Now our love is the mark of faith and repentance. But our love does not and cannot stand alone to save us. Nor, dare I say, does Christ stand alone to save us. It is through faith in God's grace that we are saved. This saving faith is made complete by our acts of love. Therefore our love is our faith, and our love is our new clothes, covering and replacing our sin.
Not that our acts of love cancel out our sin. Not that our acts of love by themselves make us right with God. The only act of love that truly, intuitively made us right before God is God's own act of love in sending his Son to earth to be emptied and die on a cross. This is God's kindness that leads us to repentance.
Now our love is the mark of faith and repentance. But our love does not and cannot stand alone to save us. Nor, dare I say, does Christ stand alone to save us. It is through faith in God's grace that we are saved. This saving faith is made complete by our acts of love. Therefore our love is our faith, and our love is our new clothes, covering and replacing our sin.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
the gentle whisper
1 Peter 3:3-6:
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
I was inspired to read this passage after watching a few episodes of America's Next Top Model. It's hard to watch that show without questioning what it really means to be beautiful. According to Tyra and her modeling posse, beauty (well modeling anyway) is all about being "fierce" which is difficult to reconcile with the gentle and quiet spirit that apparently is of great worth to God.
What does it mean to have a gentle spirit? What would that look like? Is there a difference between being gentle in action and gentle in spirit? Well I looked up the word "gentle" in other places in the NIV. One passage that particularly intrigued me was the "gentle whisper" that was the presence of God to Elijah amidst the fire, wind, and earthquake. Now I don't know how the Hebrew and Greek words for gentle in these passages relate or have similarity, if they do so at all. But, perhaps, women are invited to be that gentle whisper of the presence of God in a world looking for answers in the loud and destructive things. Perhaps this verse about proper female behavior is not God's effort to limit the influence of women, but is God's will to reveal to the world His (or more appropriately Her) truth, character and presence through Her Spirit.
We are the daughters of Sarah if we do what is is right and do not give way to fear. The earthquake, wind, and fire are certainly more intimidating to me than a gentle whisper. In order to make an impact in the world, I would be inclined to take on those characteristics of a natural disaster before that of a whisper. However, if God him/herself came down as a gentle whisper, who am I to desire more than a quiet and gentle spirit.
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
I was inspired to read this passage after watching a few episodes of America's Next Top Model. It's hard to watch that show without questioning what it really means to be beautiful. According to Tyra and her modeling posse, beauty (well modeling anyway) is all about being "fierce" which is difficult to reconcile with the gentle and quiet spirit that apparently is of great worth to God.
What does it mean to have a gentle spirit? What would that look like? Is there a difference between being gentle in action and gentle in spirit? Well I looked up the word "gentle" in other places in the NIV. One passage that particularly intrigued me was the "gentle whisper" that was the presence of God to Elijah amidst the fire, wind, and earthquake. Now I don't know how the Hebrew and Greek words for gentle in these passages relate or have similarity, if they do so at all. But, perhaps, women are invited to be that gentle whisper of the presence of God in a world looking for answers in the loud and destructive things. Perhaps this verse about proper female behavior is not God's effort to limit the influence of women, but is God's will to reveal to the world His (or more appropriately Her) truth, character and presence through Her Spirit.
We are the daughters of Sarah if we do what is is right and do not give way to fear. The earthquake, wind, and fire are certainly more intimidating to me than a gentle whisper. In order to make an impact in the world, I would be inclined to take on those characteristics of a natural disaster before that of a whisper. However, if God him/herself came down as a gentle whisper, who am I to desire more than a quiet and gentle spirit.
Resolutions: 8 for 08
These are things I'd like to amend in my life. I'm a sucker for resolutions.
1. spend more time outdoors (surfing, climbing, hiking, NOSing, sleeping, admiring,...)
2. spend more time in prayer
3. make more environmentally and socially conscious decisions
4. eat less and healthier
5. learn some Spanish
6. learn some guitar
7. listen to/find good music
8. study for nursing more
1. spend more time outdoors (surfing, climbing, hiking, NOSing, sleeping, admiring,...)
2. spend more time in prayer
3. make more environmentally and socially conscious decisions
4. eat less and healthier
5. learn some Spanish
6. learn some guitar
7. listen to/find good music
8. study for nursing more
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