Your lungs don't work? we'll put you on a ventilator.
Your SA node gets off beat? we'll give you a pacemaker.
Your sphincter can't hold it in? we'll give you a Foley catheter.
Your kidneys refrain and retain? we'll put you on dialysis.
You can't digest this? We'll give you total parenteral nutrition.
This is not poetry, there is nothing poetic about this.
There's no beauty in the words sphincter, dialysis, total parenteral nutrition.
I'm not going to dignify them by trying to think of their rhymes.
Human, where are you?
What are you doing for yourself?
If I want care for you I will care for the machines.
Maybe you'll heal.
Maybe you are only a temporary ROBOT!
Or maybe not.
Maybe your lungs and kidneys have gone to heaven.
Maybe they are waiting for you next to your memories, reason, and sense of humor.
What are you doing here?
Who's keeping you?
This all sounds terrible.
What should I apologize for?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
"The Spirit of the Marathon"
Yesterday I watched this documentary called "the Spirit of the Marathon". It follows the stories of 6 runners preparing for the Chicago Marathon. Two of the runners are elite athletes in who hope to finish first in their gender groups. The others are runners of various ages and experience levels. It really protrays the uniqueness of not only the sporting event, but also of those participating in it.
The marathon is such an interesting event because few people can just wake up one morning and decide to deck out 26.2 miles, however, I also believe that few people, with adequate training, are incapable of completing a marathon. So in that way it takes oridinary people and transforms them into someone extraordinary, someone who can complete a 26.2 mile run/walk/jog whatever you need to do to finish it.
And that's what I like about a marathon; everyone has a story for how they got to the starting line. Training your body to be able to take 26 miles is not something you have to do to be human, so why do it? What does it mean for people to complete this? What are they competing against? What motivated them 4+ days a week for the last few months to get up and run for hours on end?
I've volunteered at the finishline of a marathon before, and its quite an amazing experience. People's emotions and expressions at that place show me that they have done something much greater than running 26.2 miles. And that's what I really like about it; you take your challenges, doubts, demons, divorces, weaknesses, whatever it is that drives you to run, and you move through them. You don't just sit and journal, but you take your mind's thoughts, your soul's dreams, your exocrine gland's sweat, your muscle's glycogen and ATP, your lung's oxgen and whatever else you carry with you and you physically move yourself for 2-6 hours (depending on who you are). Finishing a marathon is a holistic victory.
The marathon is such an interesting event because few people can just wake up one morning and decide to deck out 26.2 miles, however, I also believe that few people, with adequate training, are incapable of completing a marathon. So in that way it takes oridinary people and transforms them into someone extraordinary, someone who can complete a 26.2 mile run/walk/jog whatever you need to do to finish it.
And that's what I like about a marathon; everyone has a story for how they got to the starting line. Training your body to be able to take 26 miles is not something you have to do to be human, so why do it? What does it mean for people to complete this? What are they competing against? What motivated them 4+ days a week for the last few months to get up and run for hours on end?
I've volunteered at the finishline of a marathon before, and its quite an amazing experience. People's emotions and expressions at that place show me that they have done something much greater than running 26.2 miles. And that's what I really like about it; you take your challenges, doubts, demons, divorces, weaknesses, whatever it is that drives you to run, and you move through them. You don't just sit and journal, but you take your mind's thoughts, your soul's dreams, your exocrine gland's sweat, your muscle's glycogen and ATP, your lung's oxgen and whatever else you carry with you and you physically move yourself for 2-6 hours (depending on who you are). Finishing a marathon is a holistic victory.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Working Through Money
Today I was in the office talking with Ruth Bloom and all the sudden she hands me a check. The check isn’t from her or the mission; someone sent that check to me. Now that check doesn’t have the largest amount of money I’ve ever received (ahem, I did work in the school cafeteria), but it is probably the most significant check I’ve ever gotten. It’s hard to swallow because you see; it’s not really part of the deal. The deal is that I come here for the summer, work hard, try to live out the kingdom with all the grace I can muster, and I get to stay and eat here for free. I’m staying in a trailer usually occupied by teachers, and I eat whatever the church groups bring, or what the Bloom’s provide for me. I have all things necessary to my salvation. I don’t need anything at the moment (though my school loans may tell a different story, but I get a six-month grace period). Then I get this check, like I’m a real missionary or something. Unlike many missionaries, I didn’t have to ask for money to come here, but someone sent some anyway.
We like to say that every Christian is a missionary. And until today, I never really questioned that. But one big difference between local church ministers and those in “missionary” situations is this thing about money. This check feels nothing like a pay check. When I get a pay check, I might think about how I’m thankful to have a job and the privileges and skills I have that make it possible for me to keep the job, but mostly I look at the hours, wage, taxes, and think, ok, that’s fair. But this is a gift with no tear-off part at the bottom to show me how it worked out. And for some people, that’s the reality of their Christian life. It’s beautiful isn’t it? To work purely to serve. Yet it’s scary (for those lacking in faith, such as myself), to have to wait and hope for provision. That’s a huge reality of being a missionary that I haven’t experienced much of in my life.
So now what do I do? With the money. With the thoughts. With future money I “earn.” If I really believe that every Christian is a missionary, then maybe I should only take what I need from my pay check and give away the rest. Does it make sense to put my money in the bank so it can accrue interest, when I could put it in the church so that it can be used to store up treasures in heaven (and I don’t mean heavenly segways that take you from cloud to cloud-but not down stairs, I mean souls). Maybe that’s not being wise. But that’s often the question for Christians isn’t it? The tension between generosity/hospitality and responsibility, between giving and saving. It’s thick mud and I’m always getting my feet stuck in it. When that happens, pray I get out by grabbing a vine of faith, not greed.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, I really am. Whoever sent this money is going to help get me back to San Diego in August, but it means a lot more to me than that. I want to get what I can from this experience, but not overthink it too much. Ruth said I should rejoice in my gift, so I think I will.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Immanuel thus far
A huge part of my experience here at the mission so far has been meeting the church groups that come in. Each group is different, and all the groups are very different from the California
Here’s a recap the groups so far:
Kristen who loves Chris Tomlin. These people were super nice and Janice and Paul (not in the picture) are an older couple who recently drove up to Alaska and most of the time slept on the side of the road on a matress in their Astro Van. So awesome.
Then the Iowa people came. This group was 
fun because most of the poeple on the trip were around my age. Interesting church too, it broke from a larger church and recently combined with another church. It's a really young church. John Bloom's son Davey is one of the elders (he's 36 I think). Anyway by the end of the week I was super tired because on top of their work projects and staying up until midnight playing camp games and screaming ninjas, they did an activity like hiking to the dinosaur tracks, climbing up Seh-sa-uh (sp?) and going to the canyon almost every day they were here. I may decide to go to Iowa sometime next year on a road trip.
Finally last week's group was from Oregon. I don't have any pictures yet. They were a mixed group of family and youth. It was weird because two of the youth leaders who came were married to each other and another was getting married in a week (both were close to my age). It's not like I haven't seen a young married couple (I do go to Point Loma), but man so young. I've talked to a lot of people here who were married young. Those Brethern folk may be worse than Nazarenes! But they were fun. I ended up getting in a discussion with the youth pastor and found out that I was more Wesleyan than I thought. I still don't really know why, but I'll take his word for it. On the last day the group was here we went to the canyon and this kid cracked his head open on a rock. It was really fun to ask him the same questions every 5 minutes because he had a bit of short-term memory loss. He's fine now though, 12 staples later.
This week there's no church group, just one man from New Jersey who's helping out a little here and there. It's ok though, it's kind of exhausting living out mission trip every week of the summer. I'm really enjoying my time here. I think this week will be a good week of rest and reflection (after a full work day). But we'll see what the Lord brings.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Jesus Prayer
I’ve been busy since my last update things like paint projects, VBS, meals, hang out time, runs, and climbing up rocks and mesas have taken up most of my time. I’ll write more about the happenings later, when I can include some photos. For now, here’s some thing I’ve been thinking about:
I was reading Reaching Out by Heri Nouwen (I like to read every Nouw en again…. Ha ha). Anyway so Nouwen writes a lot about prayer and solitude and in this book he teaches us to pray by teaching us an ancient prayer uttered by Haychast Christians called the “Jesus prayer” consisting of the simple words “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy upon me.” I’ve heard this prayer before, and in the past I’ve tried to make it a part of my life, but until recently I have never found any comfort in it. The prayer served to remind me more of me and how I’m always needing grace and mercy, which of course, is true and probably needed in my life more than I like to admit. Yet, prayer is not really about beating ourselves up; it is a chance for the Spirit in us to commune with the Father on our behalf. In this we find place for us to be, rest, cry, and/or rejoice, but mostly we pray in obedience to enter into the community of God. Anyway, I’ve found it more beneficial lately to carry the words of the Jesus prayer in my heart throughout the day along with a response that says “Lord, thank you for your mercy.”
I think that a response of gratitude to God’s mercy not only reminds us that we not only are in need of God’s mercy, but that God gives us mercy according to God’s unfailing love. It not only reminds us of our condition, but also of God’s. It challenges us to see the redemption in our lives, despite our ever-present need for grace. So, take that on the road with you if it will fit in your pack.
Friday, June 12, 2009
A Prophet Without Honor
I was watching an episode of 30 days, Morgan Spurlock's show inspired by his documentary "Super Size Me." There's an episode where he goes to live on an Indian Reservation which happens to be the very reservation we are on right now. Except most of the show takes place a couple hours east of where I am probably in New Mexico somewhere. You can look up the episode online http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/originals/30days/
Anyway, what made this episode really interesting to watch is that I did so with Lorena (pictured in the previous post). She is a Navajo missionary who lives at Immanuel. So far, she's probably my best friend on the mission. I admire her a lot.
During some school years, Lorena teaches a class on Navajo culture. It includes things like preparing Navajo dishes, teaching the Navajo language, and teaching about the culture in a way that gives honor both to the Navajo and to God. Many families are very thankful that she is willing to teach this. Some families are not. Lorena says that these families tend to be the (Navajo) Christian families who believe that the Navajo have to "leave the old ways behind." To Lorena this doesn't make much sense. She says that "We can't stop being Navajo, God made us Navajo."
Such an interesting concept, right? Not that God scattered everyone at Babel and now is trying to get it all back together. But that God actually made people who belong to certain nations. I think it's really hard to understand because in America there is so much distance (literally, unless you're a Native American) from your past culture. If anything, the American Dream is to forget your past and move up. (where is up?--Dunno, possibly Danville or La Jolla?) I don't really feel like God made me American because what does it mean to be American? Whatever you want it to mean. Which ironically, is sort of meaningless.
It's just interesting to hear Lorena's struggle between the Christian and Non-Christian Navajo. There is conflict present on both sides. But she plays such a significant role on the mission as being a bridge between what it means to be a Christian-Navajo. In a way, she almost has to be the Navajo Jesus.
"Only in his hometown, among his own relatives and his own house is a prophet without honor."
Anyway, what made this episode really interesting to watch is that I did so with Lorena (pictured in the previous post). She is a Navajo missionary who lives at Immanuel. So far, she's probably my best friend on the mission. I admire her a lot.
During some school years, Lorena teaches a class on Navajo culture. It includes things like preparing Navajo dishes, teaching the Navajo language, and teaching about the culture in a way that gives honor both to the Navajo and to God. Many families are very thankful that she is willing to teach this. Some families are not. Lorena says that these families tend to be the (Navajo) Christian families who believe that the Navajo have to "leave the old ways behind." To Lorena this doesn't make much sense. She says that "We can't stop being Navajo, God made us Navajo."
Such an interesting concept, right? Not that God scattered everyone at Babel and now is trying to get it all back together. But that God actually made people who belong to certain nations. I think it's really hard to understand because in America there is so much distance (literally, unless you're a Native American) from your past culture. If anything, the American Dream is to forget your past and move up. (where is up?--Dunno, possibly Danville or La Jolla?) I don't really feel like God made me American because what does it mean to be American? Whatever you want it to mean. Which ironically, is sort of meaningless.
It's just interesting to hear Lorena's struggle between the Christian and Non-Christian Navajo. There is conflict present on both sides. But she plays such a significant role on the mission as being a bridge between what it means to be a Christian-Navajo. In a way, she almost has to be the Navajo Jesus.
"Only in his hometown, among his own relatives and his own house is a prophet without honor."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Arizona: I'm here!!
Hey Friends,
I love it.
I am here at Immanuel Mission. Before I talk about life, here's some contact information:
You can always send me mail:
*remember, you can always send me packages! It's not like I'm in the army or something...
I have internet access in certain parts of the Mission, and I'll try to get online at least once a week so you can: email/facebook/comment on blog
I also have a phone in my room. There's only one line on the mission, so they say keep it to 20mins, but even that's not as big of a deal during the summer. I'm in the trailor in the evenings sometimes. It's one hour later than CA here.
917-254-4023 ext. 26
Ok so I got here. It was a lot of driving, but I didn't have to stop and sleep at all, I also did not hit a moose, and also I did not get blown off the road. The roads in Utah and Arizona seem a lot less tame than those in CA. I went slow; big rigs passed me on a two-lane road. But Utah is really beautiful in some parts. Especially Moab. I'd like to go back there. I think there's been road work on every interstate I've been on. I know people prayed for me, and I think that helped a lot.
Ok so when I first got to Immanuel Mission, there was no one here. It was so different from coming with VBC in July. It was abondoned and super windy:
I was first greeted by this guy:
John Bloom's dog I think. He hasn't picked a name yet I don't think. Some people call him "Go Home."
Then after about 10 mins the Tom's came by and let me into my trailor:
I love it.
So highlights from my trip so far:
- Going with John to an auction in Farmington, New Mexico. Can you say yee-haw? He bought some stuff for the mission. I met cowboys. It was definitely an experience. Wish I brought my camera. Maybe next time.
- Getting to know the first church group to visit. They are from Colorado. There's only one teen-ager. She's really talkative and she loves Chris Tomlin. She's the kind of girl you talk to and you think you've got her pegged, but everyone has a story... They are a really nice group of people.
- Meeting Loreena and Karen. We went out to one lady's house named Anna, who lives next to one of the missionaries. We cleaned Anna's house and had lunch at Kathy's (the missionary) here's a picture:
-Karen (the one on the left) lives in Kansas. A few days after this picture was taken Loreena (right middle) and I went to Durago, CO to drop of Karen. Such good conversation. She remarked how it really was the Lord that brought us together that time for lunch. How else would these 6 people meet up together in the middle of the Navajo Nation? So crazy.
-Some of us went to Big Sitting Rock (no one calls is that, but I don't know how to spell the Navajo name). Anyway we sat under the stars and I saw a full moon rise over a mesa. I can't even explain how beautiful it was.
I've been busy mostly with various work projects and being with people. Really good times of reading the Bible though. I don't really have a concept of time out here so I think it makes it easier to pray and read.
I'm really trying to get a feel for life here. Part of me loves this adventure, but another part of me always has to remind the other that this summer is not really about adventure, that beneath my "experience" is real, deep need. There are people here who have been faithful to a place with beautiful people and surroundings, but also great poverty and deep hurt. My summer is bigger than me.
Loreena talked to me a lot about her life and the life of the mission and you just get this feeling like man there is so much need, how can God hold this all together? You know? Like think of all the people you know, everyone needs so much love. And think of the communities you know, everywhere there are people and persons hurting. And our God is one that holds it all together. It's good and neceassary to remember that God provides and that God is big and faithful, but I think it's also important to live in the confusion, mystery, and tension that asks how? That's the God and man, that's the already, but not yet, that's Jesus.
So there's a lot more I'd love to talk to you about, but this is way too long already. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
On my way to AZ: Traveling Mercies
Ok so tomorrow I'm getting up at 5am and heading for Utah. My Aunt lives in Park City and I'll stay with her fam for 2 nights, and from there it's almost straight down to Sweetwater, AZ.
I'm really nervous about the drive so if anyone is reading this before June 5th please pray for me and my car and my safety. I believe the term is "traveling mercies." I think my car needs mercy because it is a Saturn which is a product of GM which is a very destructive company that tax payers now have to bail out of bankruptcy. And I need mercy because I'm a helpless sinner who is traveling. Traveling Mercies.
I feel a lot better about my actual time on the mission. I have received peace concerning some of my anxieties. I'll write more about this later. Right now I want to get some decent sleep. Basically with this post I want to let you know that I'm going, thank you for any prayers you've spoken on behalf of me so far, and ask for more of it. Thanks.
I'm really nervous about the drive so if anyone is reading this before June 5th please pray for me and my car and my safety. I believe the term is "traveling mercies." I think my car needs mercy because it is a Saturn which is a product of GM which is a very destructive company that tax payers now have to bail out of bankruptcy. And I need mercy because I'm a helpless sinner who is traveling. Traveling Mercies.
I feel a lot better about my actual time on the mission. I have received peace concerning some of my anxieties. I'll write more about this later. Right now I want to get some decent sleep. Basically with this post I want to let you know that I'm going, thank you for any prayers you've spoken on behalf of me so far, and ask for more of it. Thanks.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Preparing for AZ: my doubts
So, I don't want to go to Immanuel Mission without some preparation. For me, this is mostly in the form of prayer/reading the Bible. These are things I know I should do anyway, but I guess I take them more seriously when I'm going to a mission campus in the middle of the desert. Silly, I know, but save me the sermon and let's move on.
So I'm praying more, and making it a big deal about going to this place. I wanted to take the last month to "get right with God" as they say, and be ready to serve wholeheartedly when I'm there. I wanted to eat, speak, and make my kidneys reabsorb gospel. I wanted to be totally prepared for the journey ahead in Arizona, except I'm finding this preparation to be a journey in itself.
In forcing myself to read the Bible and pray more I am faced with all my inadequacies. I see the way I trail off, and half-ass my prayers. I see how I am reluctant to share the gospel with friends and family. I see how I'm tempted everyday to turn from God. I see all these things in and out of me and I'm discouraged. First comes the doubts: How could God ever use me? Am I even ready for this? Then comes the fear: What will happen if I'm not ready? I'll let everyone down. I'll make a mess that someone else will have to clean up. I'm not a stranger to letting others down, getting in over my head, or making messes, will this summer be any different?
insert: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" sermon here.
Yeah. I know, I know. Grace, grace, faith, faith, hope, hope. My mantra. Despite my doubts and fears, something beckons me to that desert. Faith, curiosity, desperation, who knows? But the mission is called Immanuel. God with us, even me.
Please pray for me, if you do that sort of thing. If not, a positive thought is ok.
So I'm praying more, and making it a big deal about going to this place. I wanted to take the last month to "get right with God" as they say, and be ready to serve wholeheartedly when I'm there. I wanted to eat, speak, and make my kidneys reabsorb gospel. I wanted to be totally prepared for the journey ahead in Arizona, except I'm finding this preparation to be a journey in itself.
In forcing myself to read the Bible and pray more I am faced with all my inadequacies. I see the way I trail off, and half-ass my prayers. I see how I am reluctant to share the gospel with friends and family. I see how I'm tempted everyday to turn from God. I see all these things in and out of me and I'm discouraged. First comes the doubts: How could God ever use me? Am I even ready for this? Then comes the fear: What will happen if I'm not ready? I'll let everyone down. I'll make a mess that someone else will have to clean up. I'm not a stranger to letting others down, getting in over my head, or making messes, will this summer be any different?
insert: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" sermon here.
Yeah. I know, I know. Grace, grace, faith, faith, hope, hope. My mantra. Despite my doubts and fears, something beckons me to that desert. Faith, curiosity, desperation, who knows? But the mission is called Immanuel. God with us, even me.
Please pray for me, if you do that sort of thing. If not, a positive thought is ok.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Preparing for AZ
So I'm spending this summer in the at Immanuel Mission in Navajo Nation in Sweetwater Arizona (Four Corners area). There's a lot of things that drove me to go, most of which I do not want to post on this blog, but suffices to say that I feel good about going. I don't know if I would say I was called to go, but I would say I feel permitted. I prayed about it. And at least one of those prayers was convincing.
So I guess I'll spend most of this blog revolving around my experience at the mission this summer. Not that I'm doing anything particularly revoluntionary, but this is my blog and my life and for me, this trip means something. I just don't know exactly what.
I'm going into this without a lot of information. I don't know where I'm staying exactly. And all I know of my work is that I'm going to be working with youth groups that come in.
As Kel would say, "Aw, here it goes."
So I guess I'll spend most of this blog revolving around my experience at the mission this summer. Not that I'm doing anything particularly revoluntionary, but this is my blog and my life and for me, this trip means something. I just don't know exactly what.
I'm going into this without a lot of information. I don't know where I'm staying exactly. And all I know of my work is that I'm going to be working with youth groups that come in.
As Kel would say, "Aw, here it goes."
Sunday, March 29, 2009
journal entry from nursing school. this was from my same-day-surgery experience.
I want to take this journal entry to debrief about the breast augmentation surgery I saw. As a student, it was a good experience. The surgeon was nice and explained what he was doing and the difference between his sub-muscular implantation site versus sub-glandular which has more risks involved including higher rate of infection.
It is important for nurses to be non-judgmental, and to never let their own feelings interfere with their level of care, so of course I made no personal comments to the hospital staff or the patient. But, now I have space in this journal to respond not as “student nurse” (robot) but as a real person. My feelings about breast implants are some things I had never really thought about before the surgery, but as I was watching the surgery I started to feel really sad for the patient. I wondered who was pressuring her to get these. I wondered who she was trying to impress. I wondered if anyone had called her ugly or made her feel like she was anything less than a product of God’s workmanship intentionally created with love. I wondered if it was me. It’s a pretty easy surgery, there’s not much blood or cutting, the surgeon himself said it wasn’t “real surgery” (he also said that anything a obstetric surgeon does—including c-sections—isn’t real surgery either, but that’s another journal entry…). Anyway, all that to say that if the surgery is so simple, why did it seem so violent to me? Just seeing the surgeon separating her pectoral muscles and inserting a balloon and inflating it to an ideal size (450 extra mls if you’re interested), then inserting this ball of fluid. I don’t know, there was nothing sexy about it, you know? It was fake and expensive, it took a lot of drugs, and it took intubation.
What a metaphor for the vainity of life though. How often do we entrust ourselves fully in other people to make us who we are? Sedate me, paralyze me, give me an artificial airway, program my oxygen, make me beautiful, give me the drugs to deal with the pain of your procedure. It is not a disease that brings us to the hospital. Or is it?
But how different am I? I wear make up, I put products in my hair. I’m not saying I can’t understand where this woman was coming from, or that I hold her decision against her. I just really hated the surgery. I hated what they did to her. Even though the surgery went well, and she’ll probably be happy with the results, I thought it was a terrible surgery, and I would not recommend it to anyone. Anyway, that’s just my thoughts about it as a person.
It is important for nurses to be non-judgmental, and to never let their own feelings interfere with their level of care, so of course I made no personal comments to the hospital staff or the patient. But, now I have space in this journal to respond not as “student nurse” (robot) but as a real person. My feelings about breast implants are some things I had never really thought about before the surgery, but as I was watching the surgery I started to feel really sad for the patient. I wondered who was pressuring her to get these. I wondered who she was trying to impress. I wondered if anyone had called her ugly or made her feel like she was anything less than a product of God’s workmanship intentionally created with love. I wondered if it was me. It’s a pretty easy surgery, there’s not much blood or cutting, the surgeon himself said it wasn’t “real surgery” (he also said that anything a obstetric surgeon does—including c-sections—isn’t real surgery either, but that’s another journal entry…). Anyway, all that to say that if the surgery is so simple, why did it seem so violent to me? Just seeing the surgeon separating her pectoral muscles and inserting a balloon and inflating it to an ideal size (450 extra mls if you’re interested), then inserting this ball of fluid. I don’t know, there was nothing sexy about it, you know? It was fake and expensive, it took a lot of drugs, and it took intubation.
What a metaphor for the vainity of life though. How often do we entrust ourselves fully in other people to make us who we are? Sedate me, paralyze me, give me an artificial airway, program my oxygen, make me beautiful, give me the drugs to deal with the pain of your procedure. It is not a disease that brings us to the hospital. Or is it?
But how different am I? I wear make up, I put products in my hair. I’m not saying I can’t understand where this woman was coming from, or that I hold her decision against her. I just really hated the surgery. I hated what they did to her. Even though the surgery went well, and she’ll probably be happy with the results, I thought it was a terrible surgery, and I would not recommend it to anyone. Anyway, that’s just my thoughts about it as a person.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I wanted to note my thoughts
Amazing how much my blogging habits have increased since I've been fasting* facebook for lent.
Anyway, I just had a cool conversation and I wanted to note my thoughts. Lately I've found myself in this struggle in ministry: I want to give, but how much do I give? Life is full of tensions, I am convinced of it. If anything is certain, it's the idea that you will always been uncertain about some things. For me, I am uncertain of this idea of giving. Is it trusting to ask how much do I give? OR is it irresponsible not to?
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'" Matthew 25:21
I must be faithful in my works, but I must also be faithful in the God whose works are above my own. This is the God who holds all things together and is bringing all things together.
It is in this tension that we find the Freedom of Christ. Freedom of Christ is that when I am operating with Christ's love, there is no wrong answer. I may choose to pay off my debt so that I will be able to give more freely or I may give from the little I have (borrowed) trusting that God will provide.
The heart, the attitude, is one of love. Either work is one of love. If love is there with a genuine desire to be obedient and faithful, there is not a wrong decision. Either work requires a heart of trust. It is in this freedom of choice that I find joy.
*Pastor John Wright said in his Ash Wednesday service that he doesn't know what to do when Lent becomes trendy. When all we do is ask "what are you giving up?" do we really experience what it means to fast and to share this discipline with the Father who sees what is done in secret? I think that a Lenten fast is different from an ordinary fast. A Lenten fast is one that is shared with the Church catholic. In a fast which we all participate in together we are able to do more than ask "what are you giving up?" but we are able to keep each other accountable and to learn from each other. Lent is a time when the church shares the same journey in the midst of our own journeys. This journey is the suffering of Christ. In Lent we acknowledge the incompleteness in ourselves, and the completeness of the community of Christ brought together by the Holy Spirit.
Anyway, I just had a cool conversation and I wanted to note my thoughts. Lately I've found myself in this struggle in ministry: I want to give, but how much do I give? Life is full of tensions, I am convinced of it. If anything is certain, it's the idea that you will always been uncertain about some things. For me, I am uncertain of this idea of giving. Is it trusting to ask how much do I give? OR is it irresponsible not to?
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'" Matthew 25:21
I must be faithful in my works, but I must also be faithful in the God whose works are above my own. This is the God who holds all things together and is bringing all things together.
It is in this tension that we find the Freedom of Christ. Freedom of Christ is that when I am operating with Christ's love, there is no wrong answer. I may choose to pay off my debt so that I will be able to give more freely or I may give from the little I have (borrowed) trusting that God will provide.
The heart, the attitude, is one of love. Either work is one of love. If love is there with a genuine desire to be obedient and faithful, there is not a wrong decision. Either work requires a heart of trust. It is in this freedom of choice that I find joy.
*Pastor John Wright said in his Ash Wednesday service that he doesn't know what to do when Lent becomes trendy. When all we do is ask "what are you giving up?" do we really experience what it means to fast and to share this discipline with the Father who sees what is done in secret? I think that a Lenten fast is different from an ordinary fast. A Lenten fast is one that is shared with the Church catholic. In a fast which we all participate in together we are able to do more than ask "what are you giving up?" but we are able to keep each other accountable and to learn from each other. Lent is a time when the church shares the same journey in the midst of our own journeys. This journey is the suffering of Christ. In Lent we acknowledge the incompleteness in ourselves, and the completeness of the community of Christ brought together by the Holy Spirit.
Monday, March 16, 2009
An American Girl's Letter to the World
Well hello World,
Nice to meet you. Though I don't know you very well, you seem like someone who I'd like to know better. I'm rather frustrated with some I know of you so far, but I realize that there's a lot more to you that I haven't seen yet. I think you're mysterious and enchanting. I've become quite infatuated with you actually. I think you must be full of beauty.
I think there's people and places where things are more organic. And by organic I don't mean the kind that has the sticker and is washed by automatic showers every hour. That's the way it is here in America. We expect synthetic, we expected modified, we expect artificial so the more natural, the more real a product or resource is the more marketed it is. But world I think you are organic in a different way. Your realness is not advertised or labeled, it's dirty and painful. But I like to imagine that there is joy in you too, that there is hope and love as raw as your suffering.
World, I also know that there is more to you than what I would see if I were to visit you today. I know you have stories. You have a history. You've been blessed and cursed, and seen victories, tragedies, and triumphs. Teach me these. Tell me about yourself: who you've been and how you got here. The American dream is to forget the past, but I know the world remembers and values what has happened.
World, you might not want to know me. You may think that we have nothing in common. I've chosen department store over handmade, I shop at grocery stores not markets, I exercise on machines when I could walk outside, I'm part of an Internet community that replaces the face to face, I drive my car over paved earth, I straighten my hair, I take pain-killers with carbonated water, I use light bulbs and coffee to defy the sun and the night's opportunity for rest. And though these habits and lifestyles are much apart of me, I confess that am not created to eat Big Macs and shop at Wal-Mart anymore than you are.
World, I know God your Father and Mother. Your Creator is mine as well, and we are made of the same dust. The truth is I am in you and you are in me and God is in us. Though I more often worship under moving powerpoints and electric guitars than shaded trees and singing birds, we are made to praise the same God. This is the God that will bring us together and reconcile our differences and forgive our sins.
World I pray you have grace with me. I am made to love you. I am your neighbor. I'll see you when I see you.
With love,
Maddie
Nice to meet you. Though I don't know you very well, you seem like someone who I'd like to know better. I'm rather frustrated with some I know of you so far, but I realize that there's a lot more to you that I haven't seen yet. I think you're mysterious and enchanting. I've become quite infatuated with you actually. I think you must be full of beauty.
I think there's people and places where things are more organic. And by organic I don't mean the kind that has the sticker and is washed by automatic showers every hour. That's the way it is here in America. We expect synthetic, we expected modified, we expect artificial so the more natural, the more real a product or resource is the more marketed it is. But world I think you are organic in a different way. Your realness is not advertised or labeled, it's dirty and painful. But I like to imagine that there is joy in you too, that there is hope and love as raw as your suffering.
World, I also know that there is more to you than what I would see if I were to visit you today. I know you have stories. You have a history. You've been blessed and cursed, and seen victories, tragedies, and triumphs. Teach me these. Tell me about yourself: who you've been and how you got here. The American dream is to forget the past, but I know the world remembers and values what has happened.
World, you might not want to know me. You may think that we have nothing in common. I've chosen department store over handmade, I shop at grocery stores not markets, I exercise on machines when I could walk outside, I'm part of an Internet community that replaces the face to face, I drive my car over paved earth, I straighten my hair, I take pain-killers with carbonated water, I use light bulbs and coffee to defy the sun and the night's opportunity for rest. And though these habits and lifestyles are much apart of me, I confess that am not created to eat Big Macs and shop at Wal-Mart anymore than you are.
World, I know God your Father and Mother. Your Creator is mine as well, and we are made of the same dust. The truth is I am in you and you are in me and God is in us. Though I more often worship under moving powerpoints and electric guitars than shaded trees and singing birds, we are made to praise the same God. This is the God that will bring us together and reconcile our differences and forgive our sins.
World I pray you have grace with me. I am made to love you. I am your neighbor. I'll see you when I see you.
With love,
Maddie
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
A Question for Lent
The central story that inspires the Christian season of Lent is Jesus's 40 days of fasting in the wilderness. Jesus, after his baptism is lead to the desert to be tempted. This theme of a 40-day trial is not unique to Jesus's in the gospels; the Hebrews were in the desert 40 years after their "baptism" through the Red Sea, Noah, his family, and the San Diego Zoo are in the ark for a 40 day flood later referred to as a "baptism."
So this 40 day/year event seems to be significant in the stories of the faithful, or at least in testing the faith of the people of God. And in all cases it is God who leads his people to these deserts. Why is it then that Jesus prays that we would not be lead by God to temptation, but would be delivered from evil? It's almost as if Jesus asks God not to let what happened to him happen to anyone else.
I don't know the answer. But I think it means that Lent is not something to be taken lightly. That Jesus being led into the desert to be tempted was a challenge for Jesus; something he doesn't want others to experience. Israel did not stay faithful in her 40 years in the desert. Jesus stays faithful, he passes the test. And Jesus is the fulfillment of Israel. He upholds their end of the covenants. Perhaps the time of testing is over. Yet we remember this testing during Lent so that we will be humbled by Jesus's ability to do what we could not do for ourselves, and praise God for his love for us.
So this 40 day/year event seems to be significant in the stories of the faithful, or at least in testing the faith of the people of God. And in all cases it is God who leads his people to these deserts. Why is it then that Jesus prays that we would not be lead by God to temptation, but would be delivered from evil? It's almost as if Jesus asks God not to let what happened to him happen to anyone else.
I don't know the answer. But I think it means that Lent is not something to be taken lightly. That Jesus being led into the desert to be tempted was a challenge for Jesus; something he doesn't want others to experience. Israel did not stay faithful in her 40 years in the desert. Jesus stays faithful, he passes the test. And Jesus is the fulfillment of Israel. He upholds their end of the covenants. Perhaps the time of testing is over. Yet we remember this testing during Lent so that we will be humbled by Jesus's ability to do what we could not do for ourselves, and praise God for his love for us.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Invisible Children: The Rescue
I just came from Point Loma's showing of Invisible Children: The Rescue. It's a new Invisible Children movie supporting a massive campaign to set free the children abducted by Joseph Kony, the leader of the Lord's Resistance Army of northern Uganda. The Rescue event takes place on the 25th of April and there are various events and means of supporting the event that precede it. But the rescue itself is a day much like the Night Commuters or Displace Me campaigns run by Invisible Children where participants dramatize and attempt to empathize with the effected children of Uganda, except the Rescue event ends with us actually being rescued. The rescue comes from politicians, celebrities, and I suppose various other people of authority involved in the issue.
And maybe that's why I am struggling right now with making a decision to be involved or what to do to be involved. And I mean, how can I say that, right? Being given this information, watching this movie depicting people with disfigured faces and bodies, of course I should do something. Maddie, you've always wondered how you would have reacted to the Holocaust and now you have one right in front of you and you are reluctant? I mean it's only three dollars a week, it's only 2 nights, and I can do more than that!
It's just that as I fill out the form stating that I want to be involved with this Rescue, I can't help but think how foolish it is that this Rescue is coming from politicians and celebrities. We've got to stop thinking that Bono is Jesus.
But it happened before. World War II is over. Jesus didn't come down here and stop that, people got involved and it was really messy, but in the end, Nazis stopped killing Jews (in a mass, organized way anyway). It took politicians to end WW2. Have I no hope? Have I no hope that God can use our generation, our celebrities, our politicians to end something that God hates?
It's just so big. I like what I am doing now at church. I like that I can see the way things are changing for Jose, Precious, Yacksi, Burto. I like that I can see something that I am involved in change these kids a bit. I want to support everything that brings God's justice to the world, that preaches Torah, that preaches the gospel. But can I support everything? And is this supporting it?
I don't know why I feel so unsure of this. I wrote a blog to sort it out, but please, please offer me any advice, thoughts, or words.
http://www.invisiblechildren.com/ to get more info.
And maybe that's why I am struggling right now with making a decision to be involved or what to do to be involved. And I mean, how can I say that, right? Being given this information, watching this movie depicting people with disfigured faces and bodies, of course I should do something. Maddie, you've always wondered how you would have reacted to the Holocaust and now you have one right in front of you and you are reluctant? I mean it's only three dollars a week, it's only 2 nights, and I can do more than that!
It's just that as I fill out the form stating that I want to be involved with this Rescue, I can't help but think how foolish it is that this Rescue is coming from politicians and celebrities. We've got to stop thinking that Bono is Jesus.
But it happened before. World War II is over. Jesus didn't come down here and stop that, people got involved and it was really messy, but in the end, Nazis stopped killing Jews (in a mass, organized way anyway). It took politicians to end WW2. Have I no hope? Have I no hope that God can use our generation, our celebrities, our politicians to end something that God hates?
It's just so big. I like what I am doing now at church. I like that I can see the way things are changing for Jose, Precious, Yacksi, Burto. I like that I can see something that I am involved in change these kids a bit. I want to support everything that brings God's justice to the world, that preaches Torah, that preaches the gospel. But can I support everything? And is this supporting it?
I don't know why I feel so unsure of this. I wrote a blog to sort it out, but please, please offer me any advice, thoughts, or words.
http://www.invisiblechildren.com/ to get more info.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thought necklace: a string of thoughts loosely bound together
At this point, I reckon that life is a lot about living in the tension of things. Some people may think of Christianity as an escape from the tension. They think, "My faith gives me all the answers; my faith tells me who to be." When really our faith gives us one more tension: living in the world and the kingdom of God. There is really not one thing we should always be; there is no mantra, no costume that we can wear that morphs us into invincible superheroes, no monastery that frees us from the tension.
One might say, "Well, we are called to be faithful, therefore we must always strive to be obedient disciples." I completely agree, but often times we don't know what exactly it means to be obedient, and if we do, we find that being obedient means acting differently in different situations. Sometimes we should give, sometimes we should save, sometimes we should comfort, sometimes we should confront. All this is living in the tension.
I think that's why it's hard for people to believe that God loves them. There's a certain ease to life that comes with love. There's protection, safety, belonging, and trust. Yet we know that life is not easy. There are situations that make us feel unprotected, unsafe, alone, and untrusting. How do we live in the blessing of God's love and the suffering of the world? Where do we rightly find God's love?
I try to think of what makes we worthwhile. Is it my gifts and abilities? My performance? My personality? My family? My church? My relationships? My faith? As of now the only thing that I can really conceptualize and say, "Yes, this is why I matter" is the fact that I am created. That for one moment (or whatever the heavenly, timeless word there is for moment) God thought that I was a good idea. That goes for everything else created as well. Which means that even the five year-old kid with terminal cancer, even the still-born baby, even the 24-weeker in the NICU, even the person who will never attend a "normal" school, hold a "normal" job, or be able to function "normally" in society, even to those God shows that it was right, it was good, it was better for them to be created than not. I couldn't tell you why, and I will never try to. But I believe that anything created (even anything not alive) was not a mistake and was put together with love, care, and intention. It's kind of a bold statement if you think about it. It's kind of life-changing too.
One might say, "Well, we are called to be faithful, therefore we must always strive to be obedient disciples." I completely agree, but often times we don't know what exactly it means to be obedient, and if we do, we find that being obedient means acting differently in different situations. Sometimes we should give, sometimes we should save, sometimes we should comfort, sometimes we should confront. All this is living in the tension.
I think that's why it's hard for people to believe that God loves them. There's a certain ease to life that comes with love. There's protection, safety, belonging, and trust. Yet we know that life is not easy. There are situations that make us feel unprotected, unsafe, alone, and untrusting. How do we live in the blessing of God's love and the suffering of the world? Where do we rightly find God's love?
I try to think of what makes we worthwhile. Is it my gifts and abilities? My performance? My personality? My family? My church? My relationships? My faith? As of now the only thing that I can really conceptualize and say, "Yes, this is why I matter" is the fact that I am created. That for one moment (or whatever the heavenly, timeless word there is for moment) God thought that I was a good idea. That goes for everything else created as well. Which means that even the five year-old kid with terminal cancer, even the still-born baby, even the 24-weeker in the NICU, even the person who will never attend a "normal" school, hold a "normal" job, or be able to function "normally" in society, even to those God shows that it was right, it was good, it was better for them to be created than not. I couldn't tell you why, and I will never try to. But I believe that anything created (even anything not alive) was not a mistake and was put together with love, care, and intention. It's kind of a bold statement if you think about it. It's kind of life-changing too.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
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