Dear Jesus,
I'm writing to you on this blog to say somethings that I could just pray, but maybe if I write them on here people will read it. I guess I want them to read it so they can know the things I want to tell you and maybe I'll even talk about it with them.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about who I am a lot more than usual in the past month or so, and I realized there's a lot of stuff I don't like. It's not exactly "sin issues," as they say (whatever that means), that I'm referring to, its more like as I look at who I am I don't really like how I got here. Mainly I feel fake. Not false, not ingenuine or dishonest, but like a fake human, a cheap imitation of what it really means to live. It seems like a lot of who I am stems from conformity to others based on a fear of the responsibility that comes from being myself. Now I don't really buy the idea that "myself" is this unique thing, separate from the influence of others--I actually don't believe that at all. My problem is not that others influence me but how I go about letting them influence me.
Jesus, I think I want to find myself, or create myself or whatever it is you do to be fully alive. I've heard through various sources such as books, movies, country songs, and stories that this journey of the self often leads us very close to where we started. I'm ok with that. I still want the journey. Maybe its wiser to just learn from the conclusions of others, but my problem with that is my mind ends up getting way more further along than my heart. So I'm hoping that if I take this journey my heart and my mind can go together to figure things out; maybe they will even hold hands.
Jesus, maybe you know that this whole blog entry shows me to be a little more cheesy than I like to admit, and these next few lines aren't going to redeem me any further. If I do officially embark on this journey, I want to you be there and to keep me from making people objects in my life. I want people to be more than things that help to shape me, because I hope that as I find myself I find other selves too. I don't know if life is a journey. But I know that life isn't my journey. So Jesus, please help me to find truth and please stay with me through the mistakes I make to get there.
love,
maddie
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sometimes I struggle with loving God. And its not for any noble reasons like the little kids who are dying of cancer or any of those devastating things. Its actually for very selfish reasons. Very human reasons. Which I figure makes some sense because it seems easier to really love someone you know and I'm never sure how much I really know about God and for that matter I don't know how much I can know.
I've never really followed celebrities. And I've never had a celebrity crush. I wonder if that's why I find it hard to love God. I think loving God can be a lot like having a celebrity crush. You have all these ideas about celebrities, and maybe through the music they've made or the characters they've played your soul has been touched and changed in a real way and so you associate all those emotions of adventure, thrill, romance, lust, passion, happiness with them. Deep down inside us somewhere we know that we don't really know these people, that we are not in fact in love with them, we are in love with the way they make us feel, but they are so far off that we can convince ourselves that we love them.
The funny thing is that celebrities love us too. They don't know us personally, but they know that they would be nothing without their fans. It's really quite sad how we objectify each other, but I guess its ok because its not like its real life, it's just buisness. I think its that objectification that's the reason I can't even be fun and pretend to have a celebrity crush; there's nothing real there, its all buisness.
If I'm honest, I tend to think of God's love like a celebrity's love. God loves the world, God loves creation, but what does that mean to me. I mean currently there's this many people living in the world. And if God's just loving everyone and everything God created, then how much does that love mean to me personally? You know what I mean? So does God only love me because I am God's creation? Does God look at me and say "Maddie, I love you" or does God say "creation, I love you." How can God love, I mean really love not just tolerate, not just love the idea of, everyone?
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
I've never really followed celebrities. And I've never had a celebrity crush. I wonder if that's why I find it hard to love God. I think loving God can be a lot like having a celebrity crush. You have all these ideas about celebrities, and maybe through the music they've made or the characters they've played your soul has been touched and changed in a real way and so you associate all those emotions of adventure, thrill, romance, lust, passion, happiness with them. Deep down inside us somewhere we know that we don't really know these people, that we are not in fact in love with them, we are in love with the way they make us feel, but they are so far off that we can convince ourselves that we love them.
The funny thing is that celebrities love us too. They don't know us personally, but they know that they would be nothing without their fans. It's really quite sad how we objectify each other, but I guess its ok because its not like its real life, it's just buisness. I think its that objectification that's the reason I can't even be fun and pretend to have a celebrity crush; there's nothing real there, its all buisness.
If I'm honest, I tend to think of God's love like a celebrity's love. God loves the world, God loves creation, but what does that mean to me. I mean currently there's this many people living in the world. And if God's just loving everyone and everything God created, then how much does that love mean to me personally? You know what I mean? So does God only love me because I am God's creation? Does God look at me and say "Maddie, I love you" or does God say "creation, I love you." How can God love, I mean really love not just tolerate, not just love the idea of, everyone?
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
give me Jesus
In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus
And when I am alone, give me Jesus
And when I am afraid, give me Jesus
You can have all this world, but give me Jesus
This is a really pretty song, here's a rendidtion of it sung by Fernando Ortega, and if you're anything like me you might want to minimize the page in order to avoid the sappy video.
I used to struggle with the lyrics to this song because I thought they were kind of a cop out. As if Jesus was an escape from lonliness, fear, and the world. As if Jesus didn't want things to be hard for us and so when life hits us and it hurts the correct response is to hide under our covers and wish that Jesus was here (as if Jesus was hidding under the covers too).
But I think I misunderstood the words to this song. Jesus isn't an escape from life, Jesus lived life and so do we. So when life is characterized by fear and lonliness we can ask for Jesus to be there in the midst of it. I've come to find Jesus in these cracks between hope and suffering, and I've never found him hidding under the covers.
"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." phil 3:10-11
And when I am alone, give me Jesus
And when I am afraid, give me Jesus
You can have all this world, but give me Jesus
This is a really pretty song, here's a rendidtion of it sung by Fernando Ortega, and if you're anything like me you might want to minimize the page in order to avoid the sappy video.
I used to struggle with the lyrics to this song because I thought they were kind of a cop out. As if Jesus was an escape from lonliness, fear, and the world. As if Jesus didn't want things to be hard for us and so when life hits us and it hurts the correct response is to hide under our covers and wish that Jesus was here (as if Jesus was hidding under the covers too).
But I think I misunderstood the words to this song. Jesus isn't an escape from life, Jesus lived life and so do we. So when life is characterized by fear and lonliness we can ask for Jesus to be there in the midst of it. I've come to find Jesus in these cracks between hope and suffering, and I've never found him hidding under the covers.
"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." phil 3:10-11
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
peace
Lately I've been wrestling with this idea of a call. How do we know when we are called to something? That question is rooted in the even deeper question, that I'm sure resonates within every Christian, well every person really: how do I know the voice of God? How does God communicate with me?
So here on earth we have the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the revelant God. It moves, it walks, it has a rhythm. As far as I can tell, the Father is in heaven and Jesus is seated at his right hand, but the Holy Spirit is in the hearts of the church. So I guess the more appropriate question is how do we "hear" the Holy Spirit? How do we keep in step?
I don't consider myself a person of great faith, but I am learning, and in the midst of that I've come to understand that the Holy Spirit communicates to us through peace. Well that's not completely true. Actually, I think the Holy Spirit talks to me through violence and chaos. Because its not really God that's speaking to me in the chaos. That's when its not God speaking. It's only when God is not speaking to me that I am aware that he is there (or not there). I seem to only notice when God and his Spirit are missing, not when God is there.Its when I'm in those places of distress and unrest that I know something needs to change.
But something always needs to change. The world is being restored, and it needs to be restored. So we're in these places of transition, a place of struggle and suffering, in the shadow of hope. Can we have peace in the midst of suffering, or is suffering lack of peace? If suffering is lack of peace, then the only peace we experience through suffering is by grace, by God. God uses suffering to fix suffering, because suffering isn't the end.(true or false)
I write all this to say that there is tension between us somethimes. There is lack of harmony and there is confusion and unrest and even suffering. It seems like things take time to heal, but although time is the answer to the distress, time is not always the answer to the hurt. A lot of times it sucks to wait. But can we have peace in the waiting? As we wait for time and God to restore our relationships with each other and with God, we need peace to get through. Because we can have peace, but still not be fully restored yet, right? But if peace is not resotration, what is restoration? If suffering is not the end and peace is not the end, what is?
(this draft is more me thinking and searching for truth than me proclaiming truth so please share any insights)
So here on earth we have the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the revelant God. It moves, it walks, it has a rhythm. As far as I can tell, the Father is in heaven and Jesus is seated at his right hand, but the Holy Spirit is in the hearts of the church. So I guess the more appropriate question is how do we "hear" the Holy Spirit? How do we keep in step?
I don't consider myself a person of great faith, but I am learning, and in the midst of that I've come to understand that the Holy Spirit communicates to us through peace. Well that's not completely true. Actually, I think the Holy Spirit talks to me through violence and chaos. Because its not really God that's speaking to me in the chaos. That's when its not God speaking. It's only when God is not speaking to me that I am aware that he is there (or not there). I seem to only notice when God and his Spirit are missing, not when God is there.Its when I'm in those places of distress and unrest that I know something needs to change.
But something always needs to change. The world is being restored, and it needs to be restored. So we're in these places of transition, a place of struggle and suffering, in the shadow of hope. Can we have peace in the midst of suffering, or is suffering lack of peace? If suffering is lack of peace, then the only peace we experience through suffering is by grace, by God. God uses suffering to fix suffering, because suffering isn't the end.(true or false)
I write all this to say that there is tension between us somethimes. There is lack of harmony and there is confusion and unrest and even suffering. It seems like things take time to heal, but although time is the answer to the distress, time is not always the answer to the hurt. A lot of times it sucks to wait. But can we have peace in the waiting? As we wait for time and God to restore our relationships with each other and with God, we need peace to get through. Because we can have peace, but still not be fully restored yet, right? But if peace is not resotration, what is restoration? If suffering is not the end and peace is not the end, what is?
(this draft is more me thinking and searching for truth than me proclaiming truth so please share any insights)
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