Can I be honest?

I believe that God is faithful. I see it in my schoolwork. No matter how hopeless the situation looks, I manage to keep my grades where they need to be. And maybe that's because of my faithfulness to God that comes from my effort, but I know God has helped me first. I don't really want to talk about the theological implications of this right now. Trust me, God has been faithful to help me. And I don't know for what purpose specifically, but I am in God's hands.

"be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."- Deuteronomy 6:11

God is faithful, but I am very often unfaithful. Despite God's provision, I feel lost and unsure. My questions, my anxieties, my insecurities, my reluctance, my shame--they overpower my faith. I don't know how God can minister through me. I don't know how I could possibly be doing any right. Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything.

Where is my freedom? Where is my soul? What does it mean to lose myself, can this be it? I look at myself and I think, "this can't be right. I've missed it, where did I miss it?"

God She's beautiful

So I was driving home today on the 205 and I was looking out at the rolling, golden hills thinking, "Man, that's so pretty. God created things so beautiful." Then I got a little annoyed with myself because it was a very cliche thing to think--and usually my thoughts are so original and inspiring, right? As if. Anyway, I thought about it a little more and maybe what's significant is not that God created things beautiful, but that God created beauty. Like God just created good things and they aren't really beautiful, they just are. What's cool is that we can appreciate beauty. And who knows really what beauty is or what makes things beautiful. (please don't try to explain it to me, because you can't- beauty's kinda like humor; it can't be logically explained and if it is its not funny/pretty anymore) What a gift though, huh? It seems like a pretty unnecessary thing though (according to Maslow), it doesn't really help us survive day to day. Yet it's beauty that reminds us of God's majesty so perhaps in that way it's very necessary. God reveals herself in Creation right? So we see in God's creation of beauty that God is not a God who perceives the world logically and advantageously. She is a God of beauty, reminding us that there is more to life than practicality and maybe there is no true life in strict practicality. God not only reigns, She reigns in glory. Alleluia.

I kissed dating Jesus good-bye

So I'm single. I figure it's a good time to "invest in my relationship with God"--as I might have said some time ago. What an opportunity right? It's a win-win, either I become a better candidate for marriage to a nice, Christian boy or I get closer to God (aka never feel empty again). Some would term it "dating Jesus," this idea that God/Jesus will fill up the emptiness and loneliness inside us and I suppose this lasts until you find a real life person to date. I dunno about that stuff anymore.

Here's the thing I've found about loving Jesus: not only is it hard to conceptualize, it's a pretty hard thing to do alone. We want it to be this romantic thing so we do silly things like go on dates with Jesus, ballroom dance with Jesus, read Song of Solomon with Jesus (ew). After all, like a rose trampled on the ground, he took the fall and thought of me above all, right? I forget the reference, but I think that's in the Bible somewhere.

John 15 says that love looks like obedience. Not exactly romantic. Sometimes in this obedience God seems silent and slow to respond to us. Obedience is what brought Jesus to the cross. Obedience is what eventually caused Jesus to ask God why God had forsaken him. Yet Jesus goes on to say in John 15 that he told us to be obedient and to love God so that his joy would be in us and made complete in us. There is joy in faithfulness somewhere. There is joy in laying down your life for your friends. There is joy in the freedom that can only come through faithfulness to the Father.

So, my relationship with God is not exclusive; I am not God's bride--the church is. My faithfulness shows my love for God just as God's faithfulness first showed God's love for me. My faithfulness and love to God is expressed in my ministry and devotion to the church and to those who might belong to the church. Jesus is not my rebound. Jesus is my way, truth, and life; the example of love and faithfulness to the Father.