Sometimes I struggle with loving God. And its not for any noble reasons like the little kids who are dying of cancer or any of those devastating things. Its actually for very selfish reasons. Very human reasons. Which I figure makes some sense because it seems easier to really love someone you know and I'm never sure how much I really know about God and for that matter I don't know how much I can know.

I've never really followed celebrities. And I've never had a celebrity crush. I wonder if that's why I find it hard to love God. I think loving God can be a lot like having a celebrity crush. You have all these ideas about celebrities, and maybe through the music they've made or the characters they've played your soul has been touched and changed in a real way and so you associate all those emotions of adventure, thrill, romance, lust, passion, happiness with them. Deep down inside us somewhere we know that we don't really know these people, that we are not in fact in love with them, we are in love with the way they make us feel, but they are so far off that we can convince ourselves that we love them.

The funny thing is that celebrities love us too. They don't know us personally, but they know that they would be nothing without their fans. It's really quite sad how we objectify each other, but I guess its ok because its not like its real life, it's just buisness. I think its that objectification that's the reason I can't even be fun and pretend to have a celebrity crush; there's nothing real there, its all buisness.

If I'm honest, I tend to think of God's love like a celebrity's love. God loves the world, God loves creation, but what does that mean to me. I mean currently there's this many people living in the world. And if God's just loving everyone and everything God created, then how much does that love mean to me personally? You know what I mean? So does God only love me because I am God's creation? Does God look at me and say "Maddie, I love you" or does God say "creation, I love you." How can God love, I mean really love not just tolerate, not just love the idea of, everyone?

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.