If Jesus read my blog

Dear Jesus,

I'm writing to you on this blog to say somethings that I could just pray, but maybe if I write them on here people will read it. I guess I want them to read it so they can know the things I want to tell you and maybe I'll even talk about it with them.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about who I am a lot more than usual in the past month or so, and I realized there's a lot of stuff I don't like. It's not exactly "sin issues," as they say (whatever that means), that I'm referring to, its more like as I look at who I am I don't really like how I got here. Mainly I feel fake. Not false, not ingenuine or dishonest, but like a fake human, a cheap imitation of what it really means to live. It seems like a lot of who I am stems from conformity to others based on a fear of the responsibility that comes from being myself. Now I don't really buy the idea that "myself" is this unique thing, separate from the influence of others--I actually don't believe that at all. My problem is not that others influence me but how I go about letting them influence me.

Jesus, I think I want to find myself, or create myself or whatever it is you do to be fully alive. I've heard through various sources such as books, movies, country songs, and stories that this journey of the self often leads us very close to where we started. I'm ok with that. I still want the journey. Maybe its wiser to just learn from the conclusions of others, but my problem with that is my mind ends up getting way more further along than my heart. So I'm hoping that if I take this journey my heart and my mind can go together to figure things out; maybe they will even hold hands.

Jesus, maybe you know that this whole blog entry shows me to be a little more cheesy than I like to admit, and these next few lines aren't going to redeem me any further. If I do officially embark on this journey, I want to you be there and to keep me from making people objects in my life. I want people to be more than things that help to shape me, because I hope that as I find myself I find other selves too. I don't know if life is a journey. But I know that life isn't my journey. So Jesus, please help me to find truth and please stay with me through the mistakes I make to get there.

love,

maddie