Can I be honest?

I believe that God is faithful. I see it in my schoolwork. No matter how hopeless the situation looks, I manage to keep my grades where they need to be. And maybe that's because of my faithfulness to God that comes from my effort, but I know God has helped me first. I don't really want to talk about the theological implications of this right now. Trust me, God has been faithful to help me. And I don't know for what purpose specifically, but I am in God's hands.

"be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."- Deuteronomy 6:11

God is faithful, but I am very often unfaithful. Despite God's provision, I feel lost and unsure. My questions, my anxieties, my insecurities, my reluctance, my shame--they overpower my faith. I don't know how God can minister through me. I don't know how I could possibly be doing any right. Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything.

Where is my freedom? Where is my soul? What does it mean to lose myself, can this be it? I look at myself and I think, "this can't be right. I've missed it, where did I miss it?"